


modern love

by Nebelkatze



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Anal Fisting, Anal Sex, Anxiety Disorder, Breathplay, Choking, Cocaine, Coming Untouched, Cumplay, Drug Use, Fluff, Foot Kink, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, M/M, Mdma, Other Side Pairings, Recreational Drug Use, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex, Sexting, Slow Burn-ish?, Smut, Tattoo Kink, Weed, a lot of flirting, everybody's queer, jason is a fashion blogger, matt is in a band, self exploration, shrooms (mentioned), the smut scenes are very kinky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-06-27 21:40:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebelkatze/pseuds/Nebelkatze
Summary: One concert, one joint, one guy,one night he'll never forget.But it doesn't end there."Matt's weed was good stuff, fuzzing everything in the right way, making him feel warm and content. But most of all he was enjoying the sight of Matt, a small smirk plastered on his face, looking blissed out and as if he owned the world."an ode to modern relationships





	1. 1.1 Intoxicated

**Author's Note:**

> Before you start reading I wanted to get a few things off my chest.
> 
> 1) This is an AU - it has nothing to do with Drag Race. Matt is the drummer of a band, and Jason is a fashion blogger. I use their male pronouns. Even though I’m aware that Jason is genderfluid irl, it’s not mentioned in this fic. The people obviously don’t belong to me, but I made my own versions of them, how I picture them to be. It’s an alternative universe and a fan fiction and *not* the reality.  
> I started writing this when I first started watching Drag Race, so it's kinda based on their looks in Season 7, even though the story is set in 2018.
> 
> 2) The songs of the band in this story are from my favourite band: Fall Out Boy. Their album “From Under The Cork Tree” was a heavy inspiration for this fic. So the lyrics used aren’t mine.
> 
> 3) In this fic is a high (hehe) use of drugs and a lot of explicit smut scenes, with some uncommon kinks. If you like what you’re reading, stick around.
> 
> 4) The fanfiction has 5 chapters, or 5 parts, but they would be too long to post them like that, so I split every part in 2-3 chapters. 
> 
> 5) I’m German, so if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes tell me in the comments (or if someone wants to beta read the rest of it, plz hit me up at tumblr @nebelkaetzchen)! It’s also my first *ever* story to be finished, so I’m hella proud.
> 
> That’s enough for now. I hope you enjoy the first chapter!  
> I plan to upload every Thursday :)

_~ ~ ~_  
Let's dance  
no time for romance 

 

"Come on Jason! You already look sexy enough but pleeease, just hurry up! I really don't wanna be late!", Brian whined. Jason sighed dramatically and whirled one last time in front of the mirror, totally in love with his outfit. He was wearing cute red shorts with fishnets underneath, a black vest and some faux leather platform boots. It didn't do much to cover up most of his skin, especially his nipples, but he felt so comfortable. Jason couldn't care less that you could see so much of him, he loved it. It gave him a boost of adrenaline and self-esteem only fashion could give him. 

That's probably the reason he turned fashion into his career, running a very popular fashion blog called "Violet Chachki". It was his stage name, and kind of his thing, really, because he wasn't just a fashion blogger in New York. He was balancing on the thin line between drag queen and queer fashion, he just tried to creatively put himself out there, and the rules of gender were never meant to be for him. Even though you could think that New York was totally crazy, most of the other bloggers were a bunch of prudes, and Jason, being a cross-dressing fashion blogger, with sickening makeup skills, was apparently... something else. 

But he loved the attention. He craved it.  
More than anything else.

He decided to not put on lipstick tonight (it was one of those nights were he wanted to get laid and lipstick was always a bitch when it came to make-out-sessions, so he just left it), but his eyes were smokey, and his cheekbones contoured. His curly hair was flowing carelessly over his shoulders, it always looked best on the second day after washing it. 

"Yeah, yeah, shut up Bitch, I'm coming.. even though I still don't get it!"

"It's the hottest new comer band in New York! They're gonna be so big one day, you really need to check them out!"

"Aaand?"

"And the guitar player is pretty fucking hot", Brian admitted and made an obscene blowjob gesture that made Jason laugh. He should have known that it was about some guy, he was dressed up and was bringing his A game, a beautiful white shirt and skinny jeans hugged his skinny body perfectly, a jeans jacket on top of that. Again, Jason could compliment himself for his fashion sense as he remembered picking it out for him when they went shopping last month.

"I'm the best motherfucking friend in the world for doing everything so you can get laid."

Brian beamed.

*  
The club was dark and crowded, the sickeningly sweet smell of weed and the biting reek of cigarettes hang in the air and the only light came from the neon signs on the brick walls. Brian was next to him and was nervously jumping up and down. That motherfucker was always nervous, about everything, it was like he was addicted to anxiety. Or maybe he just was a hyperactive bitch. Probably a bit of both. "When are they gonna come up?", he asked, squinting in the direction of the stage and chewing his lip. He clutched his camera, ready to take pictures. 

Jason knew that it was a rhetoric question so he didn't really bother to answer it. Tucking a strand behind his ear as he pulled out his smartphone to check Instagram when he heard Brian's voice again. "Want me to take a picture? You really need some new ones and the location and your outfit are bomb!"

He smiled and nodded, posed while Brian took photos with flashing lights. Their connection was really special and they worked well together, he liked him more than any of the other photographers he worked with. Maybe because they both were hella-gay and were both shady as fuck, but nevertheless they were best friends since the first time they have seen each other. Brian had complimented Jason's outfit, and his eyebrows and well duhhh, you know someone's a keeper when he notices shit like that. People around them were wondering while they haven't fucked yet, but only because they clicked instantly and were emotionally and humor-wise on the exactly same page didn't mean that Jason wanted to suck his skinny dick. Ugh, no thanks.

(He knew that it was skinny because Brian showed him nudes the first time they talked, that was just the way he was.)

He really appreciated him and his work and not just because he has the biggest smile Jason has ever seen. Or the fact that he becomes really passionate about stuff he likes. Brian is just really awesome in general. 

They took a few pictures when suddenly the lights turned off. Brian screeched and turned to the stage. "I think they're coming up!"  
Jason rolled his eyes but smiled fondly. He loved it when Brian was passionate about something. Then he fixed his gaze on the stage and in fact, the band came up and started playing. The guitars were loud and screechy, the rhythm of the drums was awesome. He kinda liked it already, instead of hating it how he originally thought. 

"That's him!", Brian said and pointed at the guitar player, who stood left on the stage. He wore a tank top of an old metal band, but the font was a bright pink. He was bald and had ridiculously big ears, and the first thing that popped into Jason's mind was: no wonder Brian liked him. It was exactly the type of weird he was into. He was totally not Jason's type but he still appreciated the way he passionately played the guitar. 

Suddenly the guitar player was next to bass player, who was running around pretty much and he kind of was grinding against his band mate. Jason turned to ask Brian if he was aware that they were a bunch of queers, but he shut his mouth before he could say anything, because of course Brian knew. That probably was the only reason they were here. To get some dick, not because they were actually the hottest new thing. 

And Brian really seemed to enjoy the view and the vibes they set off while grinding each other and grinning like there was no tomorrow.

_"Brothers and sisters put this record down,_  
take my advice cause WE ARE BAD NEWS!  
It's just past eight and I'm  
Feeling young and reckless" 

The singer was sinfully swaying his hips and had a playful smirk on his face. His eyes were surrounded by black smudged eyeliner, making them pop. His lips were the perfect definition of what one may call blowjob lips, plush and pink, kissable and perfect. He was the biggest picture of self confidence Jason has ever seen, he was radiating it with every motion, with every expression, with every word. Jason knew that he was objectively hot as fuck, but he wasn't Jason's type at all. Even if he did celebrate the fact that he was wearing seven-inch-heels.  
But the guy who truly sparked Jason's interest was someone else. He was sitting behind the singer and was drumming his ass of. 

He was definitely hot as hell.

That guy was built perfectly, his muscles were flexing while he was banging the drums with such an enthusiasm that completely fascinated Jason. One of his upper arms was full of tattoos, it looked like leaves were ranking around it, but Jason wasn't too sure because he was so far away. His dark hair was shaved at the sides, the rest of it tousled, looking as if he just got out of bed. Most of the time his eyes were closed in concentration, but when he opened them to look through the crowd Jason was mesmerized. He has never seen someone so hot and stunning like this guy. He NEEDED to fuck him. Like, yesterday. Jason could swear he was smiling into his direction. 

"That guy is so fucking hot!" Jason shouted into Brian's ear, without taking his eyes of the drummer, who seemed to watch him as well. 

"Which one?"

"The drummer, duh. I totally want his babies!"

Brian laughed soundless and pushed him a little. "Not a bad idea coming here, after all?"

Jason rolled his eyes but smiled nevertheless. He would thank Brian later. After he fucked that hottie of a drummer. He arched an eyebrow and he could swear the drummer laughed a little at that and closed his eyes again. 

_"We're only liars but we're the best  
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense"_

He let out a short laugh at the lyrics. They were truly self-ironic, if Jason took a longer look at the shirt of the guitar player, or the ugly flannel shirt the singer was wearing. There has been surely other bands with better taste, but not a lot with worse. But ... - they were hot and charming, nevertheless. 

*  
Jason was in kind of a daze for the rest of the concert, mostly focusing on the drummer, but sometimes watching the bass-player and guitarist doing their thing (which was admittedly also very sexy) or laughing along at the singers moderation between the songs. The entire band was blessed with handsomeness and sex appeal. 

He could tell that Brian was enjoying himself – like – pretty much. Basically he was drooling over the guitarist and you could tell that he was horny as fuck. 

*  
"You wanna go backstage? I really want to meet them!" Brian pulled him back to reality, after the concert had ended. The lights were turned on and the band members already off the stage. 

If Jason was being honest, he kind of wanted to meet them as well. Above all the drummer, of course, but they all seemed to be fun so why not. 

"Do you think they're gonna let us in? You literally have 'dick sucking groupie' written all over your face", Jason shouted through the chatting noises, making sure Brian heard him even though he was walking in front of him. 

"As if that's a bad thing", Brian snickered and threw him a kissy-face over the shoulder.

Jason rolled his eyes. That guy, honestly.

 

But of course it wasn't that easy, because life usually isn't. The door which seemed to lead backstage was guarded by a bear-like man, who watched them approach. 

"What do you want?", the bear grunted.

You could tell that the challenge really got to Brian, he was strumming with his eyelashes like there was no tomorrow, his voice sweet as honey.

"We want to go backstage."

"Backstage pass?"

"Rude" huffed Brian, only that Jason could hear it, causing him to chuckle. "We obviously don't have any, darling."

"Well, there's no way you can get backstage without backstage passes, darling. Besides, you're not the only ones who want to go backstage, I can't just let anyone in."

Hope sparked immediately in Brian's eyes, replying as fast as he could.

"Well we're not exactly anyone, y'know? Jason here" -he slung an arm around Jason's shoulder, pulling him closer causing Jason to bend down a little, because he was much taller, especially with those shoes – "is a famous fashion blogger. Violet Chachki, you have probably heard of him."

The bear was scanning Jason with a skeptical frown, looking like he never have heard of him. Which, to be honest, Jason didn't wonder in the slightest. That guy had the worst fashion sense ever, there was no way he was reading fashion blogs. 

"And I am" -Brian pointed with his free hand to his chest, dragging out the I a little, for dramatic reasons of course- "Brian McCook, photographer and editor of Vanity Fair, nice to meet you."

He held his hand out, but the bear looked like he couldn't care less.  
"I couldn't care less. No backstage passes means no backstage. Now leave or otherwise I need to call the security."

"But i thought YOU are the security!"

Jason broke out into laughter and because he knew Brian's temper he just pulled them back to the bar, before they got themselves kicked out. (Which wouldn't be the first time, oh well)  
"Can you believe that guy?"  
"I don't know, Brian, I kinda do", Jason answered, still laughing.

"I just wanted to have some dickkkk ughhh..."

"Relatable" a voice behind them made them turn around, the guitar player staying in front of them. "I just saw how you wanted to get backstage. Who's the lucky guy you wanted to blow? Maybe I can put in a word for you."  
Brian's mouth fell open. Jason barked out a laugh again. He was living, he recognized some dramedy shit when he saw it.  
"Actually, he wanted to blow you", Jason gasped out between laughs, earning an elbow in his rips. "Ouch, watch it bitch!"

"I mean he's a stupid bitch and you should ignore him, but... he's not wrong", Brian answered and winked. He actually winked. In times like these Jason truly felt the 10 year age difference between them.  
The guitars-player grinned. "Well that sounds just awesome, I'm totally in. I'm Brian by the way."

Jason's laugh has subsided a bit, but now he was full-on-laughing again. "Well that's just great!"  
Guitar-player-Brian looked a bit confused by that but he was obviously trying not to show it too much. "I know you said I should ignore him, but why exactly is he laughing?"

"Well... My name is Brian as well." 

"Oh wow", the other Brian said. Jason was still howling: "Tell him already about your bucket list."

Guitar-Brian looked expectantly at both of them, his one brow raised in confusion.

"Well to be fair with you...", Jason's Brian started, "There's a point in my bucket list that I someday want to fuck a guy named Brian as well. So that's why Jason's laughing. And that's also the reason why I am ten times more attracted to you right now."

"He's not even joking!", Jason giggled.

"Oh wow... Welll... That's some weird shit I guess, but it somehow... turns me on? So it's probably your lucky night, I guess."

Both Brian's exchanged a weirdly familiar grin, as if they knew each other for a long time. A match made in heaven, Jason supposed.

*  
Jason huffed while watching the two Brian's going at it on the dance floor. He was leaning at the bar, sipping mindlessly at his pink cocktail, lost in thoughts. 

Of course he was happy for his friend to get some piece of ass, it wasn't quite the ass Jason would go for, but he was happy either way. But it kinda sucked that Brian would have a good night, like he planned, and Jason would go home alone.  
It's not like he couldn't hook up with some other guy in the club, there were always plenty of dudes who just craved to take Jason home. Even right now he could feel that a guy a few feet away was watching him intently.  
But the thing was, although Jason has been determined to get some piece of ass himself tonight, he didn't really want to anymore. 

Well, that was the wrong phrasing.

He really wanted to get some piece of ass tonight, but not just anyone's. His mind wouldn't stop thinking about that drummer-guy, and that was truly pissing him off.  
Jason never thought about a cute guy more than the moments between their first eye contact and the moment he would come on his dick.  
Meaning: Jason always got what he wanted but it seemed like he wouldn't get any cute-drummer-guy tonight. 

He huffed again. 

"Why so sad, beautiful?". A low husky voice asked beside him, making Jason jump. He was so lost in his thoughts, so busy watching the dance floor, that he hadn't realized someone standing next to him. As he turned to look at the other man he could've jumped again.

It was no other than the drummer of Liaison. 

He looked even better up close, he didn't realized his septum piercing in the first place, but it suited him perfectly. His brows were thick and dark, his features sharp and the small smile on his face seemed lazy, almost as if he was high. Which, considering how he smelled, he probably was. His disinterested appearance sparked immediately some interest in Jason.

Jason realized that he just stood there, staring at that guy, not saying anything at all. He probably thought that Jason was retarded or stupid, or god-knows-what. 

Drummer-guy lit up his cigarette, holding it, presenting his painted nails. 

“I like those”, Jason blurted (mentally slapping himself in the face for this weak-ass statement, he usually was so much better in flirting) and lifted up a brow. 

“Thanks”, drummer-guy mumbled, and blew some smoke into the air, “I really like those”  
With his cigarette he pointed to Jason booty shorts.  
“I could see them while on the stage, all across the room, they were really driving me forward.”

He smirked while Jason shortly groaned and hid his face behind his hands. Fucking unbelievable. Was his life suddenly a soap-opera or how come that both, him and Brian, were talking to the guy they wanted? Now don't fuck it up, Jason said to himself. 

“You want to dance or something?” the guy asked, inspecting Jason with a glint in his eye.

“I don't even know your name”, Jason responded dumbly. 

“I didn't know a name is necessary for dancing.”, no-name shot back, grinning from one ear to another. 

There was something in the way he talked that Jason really liked. His voice was deep and lazy, there was no rush to it. It was almost calming which was unusual, because Jason was NEVER calm. 

Jason thought about it for a few seconds. Dance with this hot stranger he literally drooled over all night, wait for another guy try to pick him up, or go home alone, with no one at all. Well, he didn't really have a choice, did he?

“Whatever, but only if you buy the drinks after that.”

“Everything you want, babe.”

Jason would rather bite his tongue off than to admit that the pet-name got him all horny and worked up.

*  
The dance-floor was fucking crowded, that's the first thing Jason noticed. Second thing he noticed was that no-name-drummer-guy had the weirdest dance style, like, ever. Funny enough, Jason couldn't be bothered. Normally he was so annoyed with guys that acted really awkwardly, he wasn't one that enjoyed cringing -

“Oh, come on, ladies. God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em!”, the guy shouted over the beat and made a gesture, signalizing Jason that he should dance as well. 

“Did you just quote Dirty Dancing on me?!”

“I might have”, he smirked.

“I fucking love that movie!”, Jason shouted, slapped the other guy playfully and started to dance as well. A guy who quoted his favorite movie was someone who was worth dancing with. 

“You know what I really love”, the other guy stated after a few minutes of spaced-out dancing. Jason only quirked a brow in response.  
“Your hair” he answered, combing his fingers through it. Jason's normal response of 'Fucking leave it' laid heavy on his tongue, but he couldn't bother to speak those words out loud. Instead he gave him a little smile.  
“They are so brown and just so fucking elegant, I don't even know what to say.”

Jason should have hated how the guy made him laugh, how the guy made him feel. Fucking cut it out, you want some dick, not a ring.  
The guy was sliding his hands from his hair over his chest, resting on his waist and pulling him closer. Jason could feel his breath on his cheeks. 

“What's your name?” he whispered in his ear. Up close Jason could count the million freckles on his nose, the golden specks in his blue eyes, and see the light scruff forming on his chin and above his lips. Damn, those lips.

“I thought you don't need names to dance?”

The other guy cracked up, presenting Jason the most beautiful laugh he has ever heard in his entire life. Jason smiled, too, and snaked an arm around the other guys neck, wanting to be as close as possible. 

“Yeah, you don't really need it for dancing, but I'm planning to moan it later on... so?”

Jason choked for air. Metaphorically. Because he wasn't a dumb teenager any more who acted this stupid.

Instead, he cockily raised his eyebrows. “Is that so?”

The other guy was rubbing circles into Jason's waist, making him hot and squirm, it wasn't easy to play hard to get when you were fucking turned on. Surely the other guy noticed so himself, Jason's shorts didn't much to cover up that fact. 

“Only if you moan mine of course. Matt.”

“Jason.”

“Jason? I like the sound of that.”

“You should. After all, you're gonna moan it all night, Matt.”

Matt's grin was wide and toothy and most of all genuine. “Well I'm looking forward to it, Jason.” With those words he pulled him impossible closer. 

*  
They were dancing for a while like that, just feeling each other up and exchanging some compliments. But suddenly Matt was pulled away, Jason realized it was the singer from earlier who had thrown an arm around Matt's shoulders.

“There you are”, Jason heard him shout, not looking at him at all. Frowning he looked at both of him, Matt offering him an excusing smile. “I got you the stuff you wanted, babe.”

He pressed a small package into Matt's hand, grinning widely, looking shortly at Jason, then back at Matt. “I leave you to it.”

Then he was gone as fast as he had appeared.

“Sorry, Danny is not that discrete.” Matt excused and hastily shoved the little bag into his pockets. Jason just arched an brow, closing the space between them and wrapping his arms around Matt's neck.

“That was the singer, right?”

“Yeah, he also is my best friend and my roommate.”

Jason's brow just shot impossibly higher. “Best friend like in you guys used to fuck?”

“No it's not like that” Matt grinned “Why, are you jealous?”

“Bitch, you wish.” 

“I do.”

They danced a little more but Jason was thinking of the package in Matt's pants. Well, the drugs, not the other one. 

“The stuff he gave you... was it sativa or indica?”

“Ohh someone's an expert” Matt grinned mockingly and Jason could feel how his hands were scooting closer to his ass, “It's indica. Really good stuff, a friend of mine grows it himself.” 

“I love indicia... I could use a good body flash right now, y'know.. to get.. in the right mood”, Jason breathed the last words into Matt's ear, leaving the tiniest kiss with them.

Matt's words were exactly what he wanted to hear “Wanna smoke?”

“Sure do.”

Matt didn't need further affirmations, he pulled Jason with him to a door next to the bar, which was leading probably to the back-alley. 

The fresh air was invigorating, Jason hadn't realized how stuffy that club has been. He watched Matt intently while he was rolling the spliff, finding it cute how his tongue poked out in concentration. 

Matt was leaning against the dumpster, looking so casually cool that Jason almost felt envious of Matt's lacking effort. He liked it dirty, but he definitely felt out of place in this dark alley, in his designer clothes. 

When Matt licked the paper and finished up the spliff he looked deep into Jason's eyes, making his skin crawl.  
He then watched how Matt put the spliff between his lips, a small smile was curling around his lips as he was lighting it up. Jason could hear the sound of the fire burning the tip even though the music in the club was so loud they could hear some of it as well. But still, It kinda was exceptionally quiet out here.

Matt took a drag, closing his eyes, inhaling the smoke and leaving it in for a bit, and then exhaled a white cloud into the dark night-sky. He smiled at Jason, lazily. 

“I'm used to smoke the cheapest weed, because I'm always running low. But tonight I thought I'd treat myself.”

Jason laughed shortly while Matt took another drag, leaving it in for a bit longer than before. Jason found it oddly erotic watching the blessed look on Matt's face, as if he was the happiest person in the world right now. 

He found himself smiling and watching, not caring so much about anything else.

Matt passed him the spliff after a third smoke and Jason took it carefully into his left hand, holding it between his thumb and index finger, unlike Matt, who had held it more like a cigarette. 

The first drag was disgusting, making Jason's eyes water a bit. He wasn't used to tobacco anymore, he preferred his weed clean. But as soon as he adjusted to the scratching feeling in this throat and the familiar buzz was setting in, he found himself not caring so much. 

Matt's weed was good stuff, fuzzing everything in the right way, making him feel warm and content. But most of all he was enjoying the sight of Matt, a small smirk plastered on his face, looking blissed out and as if he owned the world.

“That's some good stuff”, Jason said because he suddenly had the overwhelming urge to say something, anything really. “I'm so high right now”, he added because he was. 

Weed was always doing the weirdest things to him, wanting to tell the truth was never something Jason was particularly fond of.  
“Me too” Matt answered and ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier (if that was possible). 

Jason watched as Matt took another drag, how his lips sucked on the joint, his face a mixture of pleasure and concentration. He was never fascinated by anything really, but in this moment right now, he never wanted to see anything else. Never wanting to look away.

“You know, you were really good up there”, Jason croaked, feeling light-headed and a bit daring, “Passionate.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Matt passed him the joint, brushing his thumb over the back of Jason's hand while doing so. “I'm glad you liked it. I'm always so nervous before a show but... y'know. This stuff helps to take off the edge.”

Jason still felt Matt's fingertips on his hand, it was like his brain hadn't recognized the motion fast enough and now he wasn't so sure if it had happened at all. 

“Yeah, I get that. I mean I would do the same. I mean I love the attention and everything but that's why I chose a job that works over the internet. I don't actually have to interact with most of the people.” 

“What are you? A cam girl?”, Matt smirked and there it was again. His fingertips on Jason's hand, brushing some unknown patterns into his skin.  
“Good joke, never heard that one before”, Jason deadpanned and almost forgot what to do with the joint. He couldn't just move his hand, could he? Now that Matt's fingers were touching it.

“No, I'm a fashion blogger. My pseudonym is Violet Chachki, maybe you have heard of it.”  
“No I don't read about fashion”  
“I can see that.”

“Rude!”, Matt laughed. His laugh felt amazing. Or did it sound amazing? Jason didn't really know the difference any more.  
“You have something against my shirt?”

“Nah, but I think you still would look better without it.”  
“Flirty boy, huh? I bet you always get what you want.”  
“It's not that hard if you're as pretty as me”  
“Oh I believe that.”

Matt's gaze softened as he took in Jason's features, their bodies very, very close, but not nearly touching – well, beside their hands.  
“And I wanna give you everything you want tonight”, Matt breathed. The joint was long forgotten, it had just grown to be another finger on Jason's hand. There was no way he could smoke that right now, his focus was laid completely on Matt.

“Maybe you should start doing something then, instead of talking about it all the time.”

It was as if Matt had waited for this invitation. He immediately closed the small gap between them, pulling Jason in for a passionate kiss. The joint landed on the floor, there were always sacrifices you must make. 

After a few seconds of kissing Jason was finding himself pressed against the dumpster, his legs wrapped around Matt's fit statue.  
The weed made everything feel more intense. More hot, more tingles, more horny, more everything. It felt as if it was too much and not nearly enough at the same time. He was so aware of every movement, of every touch, of every inch of Matt that was pressed against him. But most of all he was aware of his boner that was painfully pressing against the inside of his shorts. That was always the problem with tight shorts: made the butt look cute, but made the dick feel horrible. 

“Wanted to kiss you all night”, Matt panted against his lips, kissing them over and over and over again, making it hard for Jason to breathe. But he loved it. He wrapped his arms tighter around Matt's neck, pulling him impossible closer, wanting every single bit of him. 

“You taste fucking amazing”, Jason said and for a split second he wasn't sure if he actually said it out loud or only thought it. Weed was fucking weird. 

The music got louder for a second and Jason wondered why, but as soon as he realized it was because someone had opened the door he laughed into the kiss. The whole scenario was so fucking surreal. He was kissing the most attractive guy in the club, and that guy was kissing him back hungrily, as if he wanted him just as much. 

So whoever has seen them, he didn't care, because he was hella proud of that achievement. 

*  
Somehow they landed inside again, dancing up close with each other. Jason could feel the bass inside him, pumping through his veins, making everything seem so intense. 

The lightning was blue and purple-ish, it made Matt's eyes shine in the most beautiful ways. Jason didn't really know how they got here and especially how long they've been dancing for, but he didn't care, really. All that mattered was right in front of him in form of Matt.  
“Hey Violet”, Brian hushed into his ear, making Jason jump, because he hadn't realize that his friend was standing next to him. 

“Oh my god, Brian!”, Jason shouted, grinning from one ear to the other, “It's so good to see you!” He sensed that the other Brian was talking to Matt, but he couldn't concentrate on their conversation, he could barely concentrate on his own conversation with the person in front of him.

“I see you've got yourself a piece of ass as well”, Brian murmured into Jason's ear, causing him to giggle. He felt ridiculous, childish even, but he still couldn't stop the giggling. Everything seemed to be so damn funny.  
Brian was grinning as well, making Jason question for a second if he was on any drugs as well, or if it was just his usual overly-happy self.

“I'm so high”, Jason blurted, because he suddenly wanted to tell the truth, Because it would be weird if they talked and Brian didn't know, right?

“I could tell, Captain Obvious”, Brian laughed, “You have Chinese eyes and the biggest grin on your face, you're not that happy when you're sober. I secretly think you're not able to laugh because of a medical condition or because your ego is too far up your own ass.”

“Brian, what the fuck!” Jason was laughing so hard, even though some people could have taken that as an insult, it was just the way they were. Shady.

“Whatever bitch, save your energy for tonight”, he said and winked, “I wanted to tell you that Brian and I am leaving.”  
“Since when are you talking about yourself in third person?”, Jason joked, and the fact that they both were named Brian was suddenly much funnier than before. “It's so ridiculous, you're both named Brian, I mean, how crazy is that?”

He knew he was rambling and he blamed it on the weed, but Brian didn't seem to care. 

“Wanna go?”, the other Brian was suddenly chiming in. Jason couldn't help but stare at his massive bald head. It was mesmerizing.  
“Sure”, his Brian beamed and then they were gone. 

“Wow. Your Brian definitely looks like Wallace, from Wallace and Gromit. I only realized that now. I think my Brian might actually went insane.”

Matt burst into laughter at that.

*  
Jason was dancing on his own for a bit because Matt had said he needed to talk to Danny. If Jason's hazy mind remembered correctly it was the singer of their band, but he wasn't completely sure.  
He got lost in the beat for a few seconds, just enjoying the feeling he had, free and young and full of energy. But soon he started to miss Matt – where the hell was he?

Jason opened his eyes to skim through the crowd. It was so dark inside the club, and cloudy from all the cigarettes, he wasn't sure where he was or where the others where, for that matter. Oh, Brian and Brian already left, he remembered... 

Everyone looked the fucking same and for a split second he thought that maybe Matt has left as well, left Jason behind, to fuck some other guy who was prettier and nicer than him. But then he spotted him, on the opposite side of the club.

Matt was talking to Danny and Jason couldn't help but stare, still dancing a bit to the music. It was as if he couldn't concentrate on anything but Matt.. 

Matt was gesticulating wildly, as if he telling the greatest story. It seemed a bit off, because Matt had seemed so chill throughout the evening, but maybe it was just the weed making him do it. Who knows, Jason didn't really know Matt after all, so how could he tell what was normal behavior and what wasn't?

Jason smiled to himself and closed his eyes again, concentrating on the beat. He didn't know how much time had passed when he suddenly felt a hand on his waist and lips softly brushing over his ears.  
“Wanna get out of here? I have the apartment all to my own.”

How could he say no to that?


	2. 1.2 Bloodflood

The taxi ride home was filled with kisses and giggles, Jason felt so content he could burst from happiness. He didn't even care for the nasty looks the taxi driver was giving them, obviously disapproving.

As soon as they got off the car and Matt threw some bills at the taxi driver Jason realized that he had no clue how long they've been driving for. It could have been 5 minutes. But it could have been an hour as well. His body was tingling in anticipation, weirdly enough he couldn't remember a time where he has been this horny.

He wasn't sure if it was because of the weed or because of Matt but he didn't care, he just wanted to enjoy the ride. Maybe literally.

“You top right?”, Jason asked him while he watched Matt pulling the key out of his pocket and opening the door.

“I'm versatile, actually, but I do whatever the fuck you want me to”, Matt murmured under his breath, throwing a grin over his shoulder.

“Great”, Jason laughed.

As soon as they entered the apartment, Matt pulled him into a room and lurched at him, pressing him against the wall, kissing him harshly. Jason wrapped one leg around him, moaning at the sensation of their crotches pressed together. He couldn't wait until they were properly touching but at the same time he could stay like this forever. Didn't really matter as long as Matt wouldn't stop kissing him.

“I think I might actually die if you don't get rid of your shirt”, Matt purred into Jason's ear, leaving a trail of kisses along his neck, his eyes dark and hazy.

“Don't die, I still need you”, Jason whispered and pushed him away a little, just enough to pull off his shirt. Slowly, of course, without breaking eye-contact.

Matt's eyes twinkled when he saw Jason's nipple piercing. “I could tell that you have one because your nipples were hard the whole time” He smirked and ran his thumb softly over the sensitive area.

“Bitch, it was cold out there” - “Hmmm sure.”

Before Jason could say another word Matt was bending forward and sucking on his nipple. A gasp left Jason's mouth and he immediately pressed his eyes shut, enjoying the sensation that made him impossibly hornier.

Matt was so good with his tongue, Jason could already tell by his kisses, but now having his tongue actually explore his nipple, he couldn't wait having it on other parts of his body as well. Matt bit down on the ring on the ring, and pulled, ever so slightly, making Jason groan in frustration.

“Fucking tease”, he muttered, after Matt let go of it and he had opened his eyes to a smug grin of Matt. 

“Well, I'm not nearly done, y'know”, he said and rubbed his thumb once again over the nipple, smudging the spit over Jason's skin.

Jason pulled Matt in for a kiss again, but the only thing that he was thinking was: I need to feel his skin againstf mine right now. The shirt Matt was wearing looked good, but it didn't feel good on his over-sensitive nipples. It felt rough and out of place, and even though Jason loved it a bit rough – he'd much rather be licking Matt's abs right now.

So he broke the kiss, looking at Matt with his most seductive look he could master and breathed: “I might die as well, so maybe you should get rid of yours too.” Then he bashed his eyelashes as an exclamation point.

Matt laughed and stepped away from Jason, and for a second Jason's weed-induced brain thought he would laugh at him, and that he stepped away because he didn't want Jason any more. But he didn't have enough time to think about it too much, because the next second Matt grabbed Jason and threw him on the bed.

Jason squeaked in surprise but laughed soon after that. The soft fabric of the bed felt amazing against Jason's skin, it was as if he was sinking into it.

The next thing he realized was that Matt was laying above him. Without a shirt, thankfully.

Jason was surrounded by Matt's scent, like he was taking a bath in it. It was all around him, the bed sheets, the pillow and most of all, it was on top of him, in form of Matt himself. Normally he hated being the one on the bottom. Well, at least literally. He always bottomed when it came to sex, but he hated not being in charge. He loved riding cock and being the one to set the tempo and the hardness, to pleasure himself and use the other guy... as a human dildo, quite frankly.

But with Matt it was different. Everything was different with him, he could tell that in the short time he had known him but he couldn't explain why. Nevertheless, he loved the feeling of Matt on top of him, pressing him into the mattress, making him feel all hot and wanted.  
One of Matt's knees was rubbing against Jason's crotch, his hands were feeling up Jason's body, giving especially attention to his piercing. But he was also noticing that Matt was eyeing his tattoos curiously.

“Such a pretty boy”, Matt hummed and Jason shuddered. He didn't know why exactly but he loved it how Matt talked to him. “I'm in love with your tattoos” he whispered, trailing the lines with his index finger, carefully, as if they might disappear if he would press to hard.

He then closed the last few inches between them and peppered Jason's arms with small kisses, making sure that he kissed every spot. First his right arm, then his left arm. As he reached the poodle-tattoo he trailed the chain with his tongue, biting down, softly, carefully, causing Jason to moan.

It felt so special how Matt treated his tattoos, like they were something precious. They were precious to Jason of course, tiny stories that made him who he was now, but he didn't thought someone else would care about them at all. But Matt seemed to look at them, trying to figure out their meaning. It was as if Matt knew exactly what Jason has been through, and he was kissing the tattoos like they were scars to wounds that you couldn't see on the outside. This might be the most intimate situation Jason has ever been in, he thought.

Little gasps and moans were leaving Jason's mouth as Matt kept going with his procedure, mostly kissing, sometimes sucking and biting Jason's over-sensitive skin.

“Beautiful” Matt whispered in between his kisses, making the butterflies in Jason's stomach squirm and skip.

He couldn't help himself, he needed to ask. This situation was way too peculiar, oddly intimate. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I have a massive tattoo kink and yours are the prettiest I've ever seen.” Matt stated blankly, stopping in his motions to look at Jason. His eyes were big and genuine, not a single sign that he was messing with Jason.

Jason didn't know what to reply so he just let out a single “Huh”.

He was pretty sure that the weed was blurring the lines between the physical and the emotional sensations, he wasn't sure why he was getting so worked up, Matt's touches weren't nearly enough but at the same time exactly what he needed. Never has he been treated like that, like he was worth something. It was as if Matt was trying to figure out what they taste like, trying to imprint the dark ink on his tongue, making them his.

Funny thing was, that even though everyone wanted Jason, told him they needed him, they didn't treat him like it when he finally let them in. They only did it for their own, selfish, release. Matt seemed to be completely different. And Jason admired it. Admired the completely different attention he got from him. Seemingly selfless.

He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by everything that was going on, trying to calm his breath. After a few minutes, seconds, or hours, Jason's wasn't sure, Matt stopped and straightened up.

At the loss of the body contact Jason opened his eyes, finding Matt already looking at him.

“You want me to take those off?”, he breathed, pointing at Jason's shorts, “They look kinda painful.”

The sight of Matt took Jason completely off guard, his hair was the biggest mess it's been all night, his pupils dilated. It was the first time he noticed the small trail of hair on his lower stomach, leading into his pants. He bit his lip and nodded his head, forgotten how to talk and that truly never happened. Ever.

So Matt unbuttoned Jason's shorts, planting a kiss on Jason's lower stomach while doing so. He started pulling them down, and his eyes widened.

“You're not wearing any underwear”, he stated, causing Jason to giggle.

“Who needs underwear anyway, am I right?”

“Interesting aspect”, Matt muttered, grinning wildly. When he succeeded pulling the shorts down he tossed them away.

“Fucking gorgeous” Matt breathed, unashamedly eyeing Jason wearing nothing but his fish-nets. Jason was feeling unusually vulnerable, usually feeling confident as fuck when being (almost) naked, but he had a hunch that everything with Matt was much more important then with any other guy he had slept with, wanting to make sure that Matt enjoyed his appearance. But he definitely did, if the obvious bulge in his pants were anything to go by.

Matt closed the distance between them and was kissing him again, Jason's head was spinning. He enjoyed the nibbling and the soft biting, their tongues moving together, just like they had been dancing in the club and Jason suddenly asked himself how they got here and where not longer in the club.

It was all so overwhelming and confusing.  
But only in the best way possible.

Jason could feel how Matt was tangling his fingers in the small gaps of his fishnets, grabbing at the skin underneath, scratching a bit. He found it so hot, the way his dick was almost free but not entirely made him frustrated and hot all over.

“Just rip them already”, Jason groaned into the kiss after a few minutes of Matt toying with the fabric. “Are you for real?” - “Totally.”

Matt groaned in response, as if Jason had said something that really turned him on. But then he felt how Matt hardly tugged at his fishnets, hearing a sound that signalized him that they were ripped apart.

Jason looked down to his legs to find his tights indeed torn.

“This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen”, Matt breathed and pulled Jason in for a kiss.

“You need to get rid of your pants”, Jason murmured against Matt's lips, it was the only coherent thought he had right now. He knew everything would make sense to him if Matt got finally naked.  
“Impatient much?”, Matt replied between kisses, that grew more toothy because they both were grinning.

“You're not the one who's already naked so shut up.”  
Matt laughed and pressed himself up and away from Jason, making Jason whimper and leaving him feel unbearably alone. He couldn't help himself, making grabby hands, hating himself for being so fucking attached to Matt's closeness.

“Shhh, baby-boy, I'll be right back” Matt whispered and laid his index finger on Jason's lips to shut him up.

Jason regarded his toned body carefully, it was smothered with tiny freckles and just the right amount tanned.

Jason was fascinated, almost mesmerized, by Matt's freckles. They almost seemed astral, hundreds of thousands of them, splattered on his body and reaching into his face, assembling the stars in the dark night sky.

Now Jason was the one who was stating how fucking beautiful the other was, making Matt's grin grow to a shy smile. He might even was blushing a bit. It made Jason's heart ache and think that this situation was probably the most adorable thing he had ever witnessed.

“I think I'm gonna count them all night. Your freckles, I mean”, he hummed, pulling Matt in for another kiss This one was less heated but still as passionate as the ones before.

He let his tongue explore Matt's mouth for a while, lazily but intense, not caring how much time had passed, because really, they had all the time in the world and Jason wanted this night to never end.

But of course Matt broke the kiss at some point, smiling apologetic. He then took his hands off of Jason's torso, leaving nothing but a weird feeling that his skin wasn't supposed to feel that way behind. Matt was unbuttoning his pants, Jason's gaze was following the trail of hair that was leading into his pants. He sure loved a good happy-trail, even though Jason himself did shave because there was nothing he hated more than wearing crop tops and presenting his hairy belly. But that didn't mean he couldn't appreciate it on other guys, especially on this one, making him excited for more. 

It was like a aperitif and the main course was dick.

Jason definitely has been funnier in his life, but he blamed in on the weed who made his thought process work slow, but lulled him into comfortable haziness where everything was feeling just a tad more intense than it usually would.

After his train of thoughts about happy-trails and weed ended he realized that Matt now was naked as well. And what a sight it was.

His dick was --- Well his dick was fucking fantastic.  
Cut, thick, and the most blow-able cock Jason has ever seen.

He felt wavy as his fingers brushed the soft fabric underneath his palms. The weed spreading through his body, making him feel everything and nothing at all. It was making him feel heavy weighted, his body sinking into the fabric, like it stuck to it. He probably could never get up again even if he tried.

“Matt”, he whispered, feeling the weed tingle especially in his crotch area. His mind was cloudy, his thoughts were spinning. Concentration was a thing that didn't exist for him right now. “Matt, just touch me, please”

And when he finally did he literally could feel himself being complete. It was as if something had missed, and Mart was that missing piece.

Matt threaded his fingers through Jason's dark locks, making him purr internally and lean into the touch. It was literally the most amazing feeling ever.

“Such a pretty boy”, Matt whispered, almost worshipingly, his touch was so soft, as if he was afraid to break Jason, “I've never seen anything like you. Like a one-kind collectible”

The soft praise coming from the other man's mouth was music in Jason's ears, it was trickling through his system like thick honey, making him feel warm and loved, understood and craving for more.

“Oh yeah?”, he breathed back. Matt probably needed to lip-read his words, because he was too stoned to even care to properly pronounce them.

“Yeah. You're truly something, Violet Chachki...”

And with that he took Jason's face in both of his hands and was kissing him again, kissing him like he needed to breathe and didn't allow himself to do so for too long, like he has been under water and has only now been able to break through.

Jason was smiling into the kiss, feeling possibly the most happiest he may have ever felt. Soft giggles were pouring out of his mouth and onto Matt's tongue, printing themselves in the most beautiful colors.

Matt's kisses were suddenly trailing further down, Jason was kind of expecting that he was going to suck his dick, but he never did. Instead, he was kissing Jason's trembling thighs, taking all the time in the world. Jason was letting out small moans and quiet sighs, but was growing more and more impatient, he needed some kind of release.

While Matt was peppering kisses on his thighs he was thinking about how good it would feel to ride Matt's dick. How good it would feel to be split in half by his big cock, probably hurting in all the right ways, making him feel dizzy and electrified, hitting that sweet spot in him over and over again... How good Matt would look underneath him, mesmerized by Jason being in control and occasionally fucking up into him. Hmmm that would be so fucking nice right now.

But apparently that wasn't what he was going to get, because Matt was still kissing and licking his thighs, a finger slowly sliding along his crack.

Jason kept making noises, they grew more needy as the seconds went by, showing Matt that he fucking needed him to do something, anything really.

“Matt, for fucks sake...” Jason gritted out as Matt just kept teasing him without actually doing something, circling his finger around his rim, only pressing down slightly. It wasn't nearly enough.

Matt was hiding his smile in between Jason's thighs as he was looking up at Jason, eyes sparkling mischievously. “Sooo needy”, he murmured and bit down on the sensitive skin of his legs, harshly, making Jason shout out in surprise.

“I thought you're my good boy?”

The pet name immediately sparked something in Jason.

“Don't you wanna be my good boy anymore?”

It definitively sparked arousal.

He sucked his lower lip between his teeth, nodding quietly, not taking his eyes off of Matt. Matt's smile as an answer was enough for Jason to not argue again.

“See, that's how you're supposed to act. And now...”

Jason squeaked as Matt suddenly pressed his thighs to Jason's chest, making his booty lift off the bed, creating enough space to fit himself in between mattress and Jason's ass.

Matt began with licking a stripe from Jason's lower back to his balls, taking his time. Jason let out a groan in pleasure. A rimjob was nothing that he had expected, but it was definitely something he had craved. He pressed his feet into Matt's shoulders, wiggling with his butt, wanting more.

Matt was really experienced, you could tell it by the way he was peppering kisses around Jason's hole, teasing ever so slightly, Jason growing more and more impatient. He let out a soft string of moans and curse words, trying to beg for it without really begging for it. It took a few minutes but Matt finally got the message.

He pushed his tongue into Jason's hole ever so slightly. The sensation of it taking Jason completely off-guard, he let out a surprised moan. The wetness of Matt's tongue was giving him so much pleasure, he moved it just the tiniest bit, carefully exploring how far he could go, what Jason liked.

Jason fucking loved it. He was pressing himself closer to Matt's face, wanting his tongue in his ass as deep as possible, he wanted it to reach every single spot it was able to reach.

“You're fucking amazing”, Jason grunted and opened his eyes for a few seconds, only to close them again, because the passionate look on Matt's face was simply too overwhelming.

After a few minutes Matt pulled his tongue away. Jason had no time to be disappointed, because he spit where his tongue used to be, which was such a fucking turn on, and soon after that he felt his thumb pressed against his hole. He slowly pressed it inside, and Jason let out a strangled moan at being stretched so subtle, so very good.

“You're such a good boy”, Matt murmured and pressed another kiss against Jason's thigh who almost purred at the praise. Jason was melting.

Soon the thumb was replaced Matt's tongue again, fucking him open in smooth actions.

It felt amazing, but it wasn't nearly enough.

“I need you inside me right now”, Jason groaned and he felt so frustrated. Matt had teased him in all the right places, it was all too much, but not nearly enough. He needed some release, and he knew that he could only get some in form of Matt's dick inside him.

Matt pulled his tongue out and licked softly over Jason's over-sensitive hole, his thighs were trembling and he let out another moan.

“But babe... I am already inside you, don't you feel it?”

With that he slid his index finger inside Jason, without hesitating and just the right amount of pressure, making Jason moan in surprise.  
“I don't mean that you ... ah... stupid idiot”, Jason gritted through his teeth, enjoying the stretch of Matt's finger, but he was growing more and more impatient.

“What do you mean then?”, Matt whispered and pressed a kiss on Jason's thigh, still ignoring his dick that was leaking pre-cum on Jason's stomach. “What do you want?”, he asked with the softest voice ever, but his grin was shit-eating, he obviously enjoyed the little game that they were playing.

“It's not enough!”, Jason whimpered and almost felt stupid.

“Not enough, eh?”

Then Jason could feel another finger pressed inside him, opening him up, making him feel fan-fucking-tastic.

“Oh fuck”, he let out and closed his eyes again, enjoying the feeling of Matt's fingers inside him, pressing inside him in the right angle. That guy seemed to know what he was doing.

“Is that better, Jason?”, Matt whispered and pressed another kiss onto Jason's thigh, followed by a soft bite that made Jason moan.

But Jason was by now a whimpering and moaning mess, nevertheless. Every touch of Matt was so arousing, as if he knew exactly where to touch Jason.

It frustrated Jason, really. He loved being loud, but Matt wasn't even doing that much and he already felt like he could cum on the spot.

“No”, Jason breathed heavily, “It's not enough.”

His voice sounded whiny, but somehow he found it incredibly sexy how Matt was treating him, and the expression that Matt regarded him with told him that he was not the only one who liked it.

“Tell me what you want then”, Matt answered with a rough voice.

The next thing that happened wasn't thought through by Jason at all, but he just felt like it. It was an overwhelming urge, so he just went with it.

“I want you to fuck me, for fucks sake”, Jason groaned and pushed himself up a little, so he could easily reach out for Matt's septum, and pull.

The groan that Matt let out was full of pain and disbelief, and Jason was overflown by a guilty feeling. The fuck was he thinking? That sure has hurt as hell.

“What... the ... fuck”, Matt groaned and grimaced in pain while grabbing Jason's waist to furiously dig his fingers inside the skin, “That did fucking hurt!”

“I'm so sorry!”, Jason excused, huddled up to look if he had done some damage, and somehow was frightened by the change in Matt's voice and attitude ... but it somehow turned him on as well.

“Oh I'm going to show you how sorry you are!”, Matt growled and with that he pressed down Jason's waist with one hand and with the other hand he reached for Jason's neck/throat, wrapping his hand around it ever so slightly.

Jason could felt the pressure of Matt's cock pushing inside him and the pressure of Matt's hand around his neck and he was absolutely loving it. He let out a moan, that came out strangled because of the lack of air he had. Matt loosened the grip for a second, but only for him to take a short breath, then he gripped tighter than before, while pushing inside of Jason, hitting him with full on power.

It became a game, Matt was fucking Jason into the mattress, just the right pace and amount of pressure, while alternating the tightness of his grip, turning Jason into a moaning hot mess. His thoughts were blank, he only could think of the sensations Matt was giving him, and the release he so desperately needed.

The expression on Matt's face was somehow even better than the sex itself. He looked so focused, his forehead was wrinkled, and his eyes were closed in ecstasy, but when he opened them to look at Jason it was as if they shared a connection he had never felt with anyone before.

It was so fucking intense.

Jason was moaning loudly, even when Matt was holding tightly onto his throat. His moans were sounding a bit more choked then, but he still was telling Matt how awesome it felt and how he needed him to teach him a lesson.

But it somehow didn't manage to overtone Matt's own noises, which were only a few grunts and some “Jason”'s in between, but Jason would always listen to them and their sound would always make him feel warm and special, unlike hot and wanted.

“You feel so amazing”, Matt grunted and let go of Jason's throat, to pepper some kisses there and it felt so good, having his loving and soothing lips on his neck instead his of the pain. But Matt still held him down, having his arm across Jason's collarbones. Keeping him in place, fucking him into the mattress.

Every time Jason had tried to touch his own cock, Matt had batted his hand away, but he couldn't stand it any longer.

“Matt”, Jason whimpered, “Touch me please... I can't...”

“You don't deserve to be touched”, Matt interrupted him.

Jason let out a whine, it made him even hornier when Matt talked like that.

“Fucking hell”, Jason cursed, “Just touch me already!”

“You're a bossy bitch, huh?”, Matt responded, but Jason could care less because he finally wrapped his fingers around Jason's cock. With his other hand he was still holding him down, pressing on his collarbone ever so slightly.

Jason let out a moan and closed his eyes at the sensation of finally being touched. He wouldn't last long, but if Matt's messy pace was anything to go by he wasn't the only one.

“Gonna cum”, Matt panted as if on queue. Jason opened is eyes to look at him, eyes pressed shut and sweat glistening on his forehead.

It truly was a pleasant view.

He pressed his ass closer to Matt, threw his legs over Matt's shoulders so he could fuck deeper. Jason's lower half was completely in the air, the benefits of being this flexible.

Jason was close, and as soon as Matt came inside him he only needed a few more strokes of Matt's hand to cum himself.

All over his own face.

Half way through his orgasm he closed his eyes and opened his mouth, the familiar salty taste of his cum on his tongue, the warmth stickiness on his face.

“Fuck”, he heard Matt breathe.

He slowly opened his eyes, one of his lashes were covered in cum so he just opened them halfway and kinda gave Matt bedroom eyes.

“That's the hottest thing I've ever saw”, Matt groaned and pulled Jason in for a kiss.

His tongue pushed inside Jason's mouth, stealing the last bit of cum away, tasting it, and it was driving Jason insane.

After he broke the kiss and licked his lips, his gaze clouded with lust and satisfaction, he did the one thing Jason could absolutely die for:  
Matt licked his face clean.

Jason let out a whiny moan at that, not able to wrap his head around on how hot this scenario was.

“You taste so good”, Matt purred and rubbed his nose against Jason's neck after he was finished.

“Fuck”, Jason answered, “I wanted to say that I'm sorry for your nose, but I'm not sure if I am anymore.”

Matt chuckled, his breath ghosting over Jason's skin. “It's okay.”

Jason smiled and bend forward, to give a kiss on Matt's neck, and then a little one behind his ear as well. Matt made an appreciative sound at that and Jason saw that his body was completely covered with goosebumps at that gesture. He smiled, making a mental note that that was probably Matt's sensitive spot.

They fell asleep soon after that, both exhausted but satisfied, after Matt had complained about Jason's hair in his mouth, but he still held him close. Matt's breathing was his lullaby for tonight.

*  
Jason woke up, feeling slightly mellow. He stretched his limbs, loving the feeling of the soft blanket against his naked skin. Then he opened his eyes, getting used to the dark lightening, only a few sunbeams coming through the shades, illuminating the room in a weird way. It took him a few seconds to process what was going on.

He wasn't in his apartment, or in his bed for that matter, he was with Matt. As soon as he understood that, he was fully awake and everything that happened yesterday came back to him in a rush.

The concert, the dancing, the weed, the sex. Everything has been fucking perfect and it made Jason smile. Sex with strangers usually wasn't satisfying at all, just too much weird habits or kinks that didn't fit together. But yesterday? It was as if Matt knew exactly how to please him.  
After he replayed every single detail from yesterday (leaving him with a boner and a weird fluttering in his stomach) the next thing he noticed was that he really needed to pee. 

So he got up quietly, trying to not wake up Matt who was sleeping mere inches away from him, his face looking so relaxed and beautiful. He put on the shirt Matt had worn yesterday, and his boxer shorts as well, because his own underwear was apparently not an option, and got to the toilet. Jason smiled to himself in the mirror, feeling somehow happy and so fucking content.

Normally he would have left straight-away, not wanting to make things awkward, but he felt different this time. He wanted to wait until Matt woke up so they could talk some more.

When he got back into Matt's room his first instinct was to lay next to him, and snuggle up, but something on the wall caught his attention before he could do so. The sun-rays that came through the window illuminated some spots on the wall, he could see that they were plastered with photographs. He hadn't seen them yesterday night, mostly because it has been dark, but also because he had his attention elsewhere.

But now that he was fully awake and his eyes got used to the half-dim lightening his curiosity was sparked and he couldn't hold back. He stepped closer to the wall, looking at the photographs. Some of them were really old, showing Matt as a teenager or even a toddler. Some of them were with his friends, Jason even recognized some of the other band members as well. Most of the pictures were with Brian or Danny, his room-mate.

Jason found himself smiling at the others memories, thinking that the guy had a completely different life compared to his own – that thought has never seemed interesting to Jason. But right now he found himself intrigued, wanting to find out more about the other guy.  
So he didn't stopped after he looked at every single photo. He went on by looking at the stuff in Matt's shelves, the books, movies and vinyls that lingered there, the various clatter that has been accumulated over the years.

Jason ran his fingers of them, collecting dust and somehow it felt oddly intimate looking at all of Matt's belongings. He was finding himself wanting to be part of his life.

Suddenly he realized that Matt's eyes laid on him, as he turned to the corner of the room where the bed was. He was surprised for a second but then smiled a tiny smile.

“You're awake”, he stated.

“I was enjoying the view”, Matt muffled, his voice was deeper than yesterday, laced with sleep. He ran his look over Jason's body, obviously noting that it was his shirt.

“I may not have a fashion sense but you sure look good in anything”, he grinned and winked.

Jason rolled his eyes but smiled nevertheless. Before he could say something he heard a scratch on Matt's bedroom door.

“Oh, I was wondering where she was”, Matt chuckled lightly while rubbing his face, “Would you open the door, please?”

Confused and curious Jason opened the door and was surprised by a dog, a small shiba inu to precise, which immediately jumped him, producing the most adorable barks he have ever heard.

“Oh hiii”, Jason purred, feeling how his heart melted, “Who are you?”

“That's Honey”, Matt explained, “She's cute isn't she?”

“Very.” He bowed down in front of her to pet her, well knowing that he exposed his whole ass to Matt while doing so. He wasn't always classy, sometimes he was just easy.

*  
They were laying on Matt's bed, Honey in between them. Jason tried to focus on the cute shibe while petting him, but he could only concentrate on Matt's hand, petting Honey as well, thinking about how easy it'd be to reach out for it.  
“So...”, he mumbled after a few minutes of silence, unsure of what to say, “Yesterday night was great.”

Jason heard rather than saw Matt scratching his head and letting out a small laugh, that sounded sheepish.  
“Yeah, it was.”

They were quiet again and it was kind of awkward. Jason thought that he should have went home straight-away, blaming himself that he didn't do so.

Before he could actually do so, Matt spoke up.

“I really like you, Jason, but I'm not the one for relationships.”

That statement was so absurd in that moment, that Jason couldn't help himself but laugh. “The fuck? No one was talking about that.”

“I know we're not talking about it, but I wanted to say it nevertheless. Yesterday was... intense. And well, as much as I loved it, I don't have the time for relationships, or the desire to put effort into it, for that matter.”

Jason looked at Matt, frowning, but he didn't look back. He was watching Honey sleeping lazily, unsuspecting what was going on around her.

“Well, good for you. I don't do relationships either. But I get why you're asking, we both hooked up with a stranger tonight, of course we're looking for something serious, duh”, Jason's voice was dripping with sarcasm, which earned him a laugh from Matt.

“Just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.”

“Yeah, of course”, Jason said and picked his shorts up from the floor, intending to get dressed. He could feel Matt's eyes on him, watching him intensely.

“I need a cigarette”, Matt stated and Jason made an disgusted sound.

“It wouldn't have worked out between us when we're sober anyways. I hate cigarettes.”

“Oh really?”, Matt asked in a mocking voice.

“Yeah” Jason got up and wriggled himself into the shorts, which seemed to be even tighter than yesterday night, now that he was used to Matt's wide shorts, in Matt's fluffy and warm bed.

“You know a different reason why it wouldn't work between us while sober?”

“Oh, I know many reasons, don't even get me started.”

Matt laughed, and threw his head back into the pillow. The bantering was so adorable... it made him want to lay down next to him and make him laugh all day. And maybe moan, but that was optional.

“You're talking way too much, and that only proves my point. I'd be fucking annoyed by you.”

“Rude”, Jason huffed and gaped at him, mouth wide open. Matt was grinning confident, watching Jason put on his shirt as well.

“But on the other hand... I'd love getting all worked up by your annoying attitude and then shut you up... I can imagine a lot of ways how to.. maybe I'd gag you... maybe I'd let you suck my dick... or maybe I'd fuck you until you don't know how to talk any more.”

Jason raised an eyebrow, wondering for a brief moment how their conversation could escalate that quickly. But he didn't have much time to wonder, because a few things happened at the same time.

First, he noticed the obvious bulge in the blanket, where Matt's dick probably was, then he noticed how hungry Matt looked, and he couldn't tell which one of them did it first, but suddenly Matt grabbed at Jason's wrist, probably at the exact time Jason was literally jumping at him.  
Honey jumped as well, but out of the bed.

Jason moaned into the kiss and found himself hard again in the matter of a few seconds. And so it happened, they fucked again. Jason got to experience a second time how damn good Matt was at rimming, this time it was even more amazing because they both were sober. It didn't end after the second time.

They fucked a third time in the shower, Matt pressing inside Jason and pressing Jason against the cold, hard tiles, it was giving him life. They fucked a fourth time against the door after Jason truly decided to leave.

And when he actually did leave, he left with a smile and a new number in his phone, and the ringing words in his ears, that they “should meet again, y'know. No strings attached, tho.”

It was better than nothing.

_You got me intoxicated  
~ ~ ~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the filthiest smut I've ever written - and this is only the beginning haha


	3. 2.1 Just Can't Get Enough

_~ ~ ~_  
All the things you do to me  
And everything you said  
I just can't get enough  
  
  


Jason was starring at his screen, contemplating whether he should write or not.

It was Saturday night and Jason was sitting on the couch in his apartment, clothes scattered around after an excessive try-on session. He had planned on going out tonight but now he just wasn't feeling it. So he was sitting on his couch in 10-inch heels and a cute little jumpsuit that he was sent by Marc Jacobs earlier this week.

A little over a week had passed since the concert and their, well... get-together. Matt hadn't called him since. Well, Jason hadn't either, but Matt had made it pretty clear, that they would only meet up casually, no strings attached, blah blah. So Matt should be the one who should intend their meet-up. It was that easy.

But Jason just couldn't stop thinking about him. It wasn't like he hadn't tried, but that guy kept popping up in his mind in the seemingly most random moments. The way he had laughed, the way he had talked, the way he had fucked, damn it, even the way he had made him feel. Especially the way he had made him feel. Usually Jason could just shake it off, only feeling in the moment, not days later. But he couldn't this time, he couldn't get the cute boy with the septum piercing out of his head.

And that's why he was looking at his screen. At Matt's little WhatsApp Icon, the only thing that was giving him life at the moment.

It was a black and white picture of him, he was shirtless and the expression on his face intensely sexual. The wall behind him was covered in drawings. Jason had looked so many times at it, he almost could describe every detail of it by heart.

He had written a million texts but never sent any of them. There was a thing called pride and Jason was full of it, thank you very much.  
The second he wanted to close the app and actually concentrate on the shitty reality show he was watching, he saw something that almost made him gag on his cocktail.

Matt was typing. _Oh my god._

He screeched, locked his phone and threw it at the other end of the couch. Luckily there was no one watching him and his pathetic little-girl crush.

Was it possible...? He almost didn't dare to look. But then he took a deep breath and picked his phone up again, starring at the words on the screen. Blankly. Processing.

M (11:03 pm) - can't stop thinking about you and your cute little moans

Jason starred at the words, reading them over and over again, a grin spreading over his face, then looking at the word underneath Matt's name.

_Online_

He had made the first step. Matt had actually wrote him. That's a good sign, right? Jason tried to keep calm, but lets just say, he wasn't doing his best. Normally he would be put off, thinking it was kind of cheesy pick-up line or weak ass attempt for a hook-up, but he couldn't let this opportunity pass by.

So he typed as quickly as he could (even though he has already waited too long for it to come as casual, witty or something else) the following words:

J (11:06 pm) - Can't say the same about your ugly deep man-moans.

The response came immediately.

M (11:06 pm) - ouch. that hurt.

J (11:07) - I sure hope it does. But only in the best ways possible ;)

Jason was grinning, mindlessly sipping on his cocktail glass while he was waiting for Matt's response. It took a bit longer than the one before, but luckily not too long.

M (11:11 pm) - what are you up to?

He knew that he should make himself sound interesting, tell him about that awesome party he was attending, how drunk he was, how cute the boy was he has been dancing with all night. But he couldn't seem to bother as he was typing out his response. He didn't wanna make it unnecessarily complicated, he just wanted to be honest for once, he didn't want to play games. At least not over text. Bed-games were always welcomed.

J (11:12 pm) - Oh you know. Just sitting in my apartment and getting drunk on margaritas and loneliness.

Jason didn't get a respond to that. What he did get was an incoming call from Matt.  
The smile that spread on his face was so wide it was almost physically hurting.

"Who's this?" he picked up the phone.

"Don't act stupid" Matt laughed, his voice sounding very far away. But it was very unmistakably his – beautiful and chill, just how Jason remembered it. He smiled to himself and took another sip of his vine.

"How come a beautiful man like you drinking cocktails on a Saturday night all alone?" Matt's voice was sounding rough, a little raspy maybe. Jason could hear a lot of noise in the background, he probably was somewhere busy.

"I didn't have anything to wear", Jason joked. The laugh on the other end was worth it.

The background noise got louder for a few seconds and then became completely silent.

"Where are you?", Jason asked, not hiding his curiosity at all.

"At a club, 's Brian's birthday. My Brian's, not yours, obviously. Or else you were invited yourself I guess" He let out a nervous laughter that was followed by short silence. "I feel stupid" he added and even though Jason couldn't see him, but he could tell that he definitely was drunk.

"No need to feel stupid" Even though Jason wasn't sure why he felt stupid, there might be a reason to. But he didn't want this conversation to be this serious, he wanted them to tease each other, to keep their night in good memories, not something that had failed miserably because of drunken calls or sober feelings.

They were both quiet for a few seconds, each one of them lost in their own thoughts. There was a lot of things Jason wanted to say, he was thinking of all the unsent messages he had written, thinking of the way Matt had made him feel and the way he still was making him feel. But he wasn't sure if it was the right moment to talk about that, Matt was drunk and if he was being honest with himself, it was probably the only reason why he has called. Because he was looking for a hook-up. Not because he truly wanted to talk to Jason. His message sounded a lot like that.

"Why are you calling?"

He settled for a simple question, even though he had so much more on his mind. It was probably best this way.

"I already told you, I miss your moans!" Matt giggled innocently, like he just had complimented Jason's smile.

"Bitch, if you think I'm gonna moan over the phone, you're wrong. I'm not a hooker."

Matt was laughing again and Jason was smiling as well, Matt's laugh too contagious not to.

"No but seriously. You just can't call me and except that I jump right at you."  
"I wasn't, I swear I wasn't."  
"Good."

They were quiet again, Jason growing annoyed. Why the hell did Matt call? Why the hell did he except something good from it? He was drunk and probably horny, thinking he could play with Jason.

"I don't even know myself why I called. The only thing I know is that I really missed the sound of your voice." Matt's voice sounded small and vulnerable, nothing left of his cocky and flirty attitude. Most of all, it was sounding sincere.

Jason's tough attitude crumbled a little around the edges. He never has been good at saying no, especially not if he wanted to say yes. But with Matt, it was impossible to stay strong.

"We could meet again then?", he asked, fingers crossed that Matt wouldn't flip him off. There was a short pause on the other end, making Jason think of all the possible worst-case-scenarios imaginable -

"Yes . I don't think I can live my life normally now that I know how your ass tastes. Sorry for the language, I'm pretty drunk. That's also the reason why we shouldn't meet tonight, but sometime soon, yes. I'd like that."

It was the worst speech Jason has probably ever heard but he laughed nevertheless.

“No strings attached tho.”, Matt added.

“Sure”, Jason said, the words leaving a bitter taste on his tongue, “No strings attached.”

Well, shit.  
He was totally fucked.

*  
Turns out Jason wasn't as fucked as he think he'd be. Once they had agreed that they would meet soon (no strings attached, of course, just casual sex) there only was flirty banter, laughter and most of all: a lot of sexy talk. So Jason didn't mind. At all.

The sexting was killing him. They were almost writing everyday, sending little messages, witty comebacks, cute selfies and sometimes the selfies were anything but cute.

Jason felt like a little school girl again (except he didn't really knew how one of those actually felt). The best moments were those, when they were talking about something completely innocent, about work or whatever, and in the next moment Matt would write him how horny he was and then they were at it.

Jason didn't know that he would enjoy phone sex but he truly did.  
And the thing with Matt was: he was _always_ horny. Like 24/7.

*  
One night Jason got home from a meeting with a designer. He had Instagram-storied his whole day and changed his outfit at least a million times. He knew there were probably more exhausting jobs in the world, but he felt exhausted nonetheless.

The perks were that he had a few new outfits he could post on his blog the next few days.

He arrived at his apartment and put down his bags. Then he got into his bathroom to take a long, hot shower while Donna Summer was blasting through the radio. Self-care was important, and this was his favorite kind. He loved taking long showers, taking his time washing his hair, and shaving every part of his body. It was calming, especially after a busy and social day like today.

He went to bed after that, just in his robe, his hair still wet. He put on quiet jazz to calm down a bit. Then he decided to browse through Instagram and Twitter, and then he pulled up WhatsApp. He clicked on Matt's chat, they hadn't interacted all day.

The last bit has been from yesterday night, where he had told Matt that his day was going to be busy, and they wished each other a good night and lovely dreams. He smiled to himself, it hasn't been the first night where they had stayed up until 3am to talk to each other.

Matt was truly growing on him.

Suddenly Jason had an idea. So he got up again and searched through his bags for a certain object of clothing. As soon as he found it, he got back into bed, got rid of his robe and put the other item on. Then he tried to take a selfie where he looked sleepy and sexy, but also cute and cuddly at the same time.

He actually did manage to take one he was content with, so he send it to Matt with the following caption:

J (10:32 pm) - I have a new bralette and need your opinion ... how d'you like the color?

He didn't have to wait long for the answer.

M (10:34 pm) - ugh.. are you actually trying to kill me?

J (10:34 pm) - That's not an appropriate answer, Matt. I still don't know if i should like it or not.

M (10:35 pm) - you have amazing taste. apparently i have as well

M (10:36 pm) - btw you look so gorgeous. wet hair truly suits you. and that color as well. you should wear it more often

Jason smiled at his phone and needed to close his eyes for a few seconds. He wasn't sure how the hell he got so lucky. He didn't even remember when the last time was that somebody had made him feel so much just over texting. It was almost ridiculous how hard he was crushing on Matt.

J (10:39 pm) - I'll wear it the next time we'll see each other.

M (10:39 pm) - can't wait

J (10:40 pm) - What have you been up today?

M (10:42 pm) - oh, y'know, been writing a few songs, working, thinking bout you. the usual stuff

J (10:42 pm) - I've been thinking as well.

M (10:43 pm) - what exactly have you been thinking about? ;)

Jason thought for a second. It was like the ultimate opener to talk about every fantasy he ever had. But he couldn't possibly talk about them all at once... So where should he start?

J (10:45 pm) - I've been thinking about a lot. Most of all about your hands around my neck, like the last time. But instead of my cum i want yours on me, next time.

J (10:45 pm) - I want you to cum in my mouth as well, and then kiss me as hard as you can.

M (10:46 pm) - fucckk

M (10:46 pm) - we can definitely do that. we should take a few days off to do everything we want... i want to take every single minute to pleasure you, babe ;)

J (10:47 pm) - Sounds awesome. Tell me something you'd want to try?

M (10:48 pm) - oh, idk a lot of guys don't like that at all

Jason frowned. What could he mean by that? A lot of possibilities came up in his head, but he thought the easiest way was just to ask.

J (10:49 pm) - What is it?

J (10:51 pm) - Trust me, I've had sex with a lot of kinky dudes. You can't be worse than them, someone even asked me to piss on him once.

J (10:52 pm) - Which, to be fair, isn't even the worst kink, so if it's pissing, just say it.

M (10:53 pm) - lol

M (10:53 pm) - no, I'm not into golden showers tbh

M (10:53 pm) - i really like feet. like... really, really like them

J (10:54 pm) - Oh.

M (10:54 pm) - do you hate me now?

J (10:55 pm) - No, that was just a surprised Oh. An "oh, i wouldn't have guessed that".

J (10:55 pm) - But it's in no way a kink shaming oh.

J (10:55 pm) - I'd never.

M (10:57 pm) - okay, good... i sure like your oh's...

Jason thought for a second. He knew next to nothing about foot kinks, he couldn't exactly imagine that one would be turned on by feet. Curious he started typing again.

J (11:00 pm) - What exactly do you like about feet? Or ... idk... what do you want to do with them?

M (11:01 pm) - hmm.. It's hard to put into words

It took a few minutes of Jason starring at the word "typing" underneath Matt's name until he got an answer.

M (11:03 pm) - i just like that it's such an intimate body part, i mean one would think that a penis or an ass are more intimate, but they are not, because they are so over sexualized. i just like touching them, or kissing them... just the same stuff i'd do with your other body parts as well. that would be enough, honestly. even though i wouldn't say no to a foot-job. but that's nothing I expect from anyone, if they're not really into it

Jason smiled at the answer. It was so genuine, that he didn't need to think twice about what he did text next.

J (11:05 pm) - I'd like to definitely try that someday.

M (11:05 pm) - ohmygod

M (11:05 pm) - now i've almost slipped the l-word.

Jason starred at his phone, he could feel his heart beat in his chest and his ears turn pink. Of course Matt was only joking. But it didn't change the way the words made Jason feel.

J (11:06 pm) - Oh, shut up already.

M (11:07 pm) - i'd rather have you shutting me up ;P

 

*  
A few days after that Brian came over. They each had half a weed cookie, which effect started to kick in while they were watching some dumb show on TLC, causing them to laugh at everything. After they were coming down from their giggling fit Jason laid his head against Brian's shoulder.

"How is Brian?"

"Well Brian is fine. But i didn't know we were talking about me in the third person from now on."

Jason laughed and wondered how he could still be this witty while high.  
"No silly, i was talking about Liasion-Brian. Your dangerous filthy liasion, Brian... “

"Haha oooh you mean Trixie? That motherfucker is so fucking kinky, you wouldn't believe."

"I'm ignoring the fact that you just called him Trixie, i just need to know... Is he kinkier than you are Mr. TMI?"

"Shush, don't ever say that out loud again! I wouldn't say he's kinkier than me. But he still is the craziest and funniest bitch I've ever met."

The smile on Brian's face was wide and genuine. Jason has seen him in a lot of moods, but genuine happiness was rare. Laughter, yes. But happiness? Not so much.

Brian has been trough a lot in his life, he has been a drug addict for years and was finally sober for a year and a half now (except for weed, obviously, and the occasional cigarette), finally seeing more purpose in his life than drugs. Jason had the feeling that he even was ready for settling down, which wasn't something Brian has ever thought about before, as far as he knew.

"Sounds like he's the one."

Jason earned a shove and a laugh as response. "Oh shut up, stop talking about yourself! How was your night with drummer-guy?"

"Ugh don't even get me started."

"Was it that bad?"

"No but-"

"Was his dick small?"

"No bitch, his dick was the best I've ever had."

"What's the problem then?"

"I'm not used to it."

"To what? His dick?"

"Ughhh I don't know, don't pressure me into saying it out loud"

"So you... actually like him?!"

“I don't know? Maybe? Yes... probably. I don't know"

Brian's grin was shit-eating. It was as if he could read Jason like a book, effortlessly skimming through the pages, analyzing the fuck out of him as if Jason was a work by Kafka and Brian was a literature student.

"You totally do. You like him! I wouldn't have thought I would ever witness that. I'm glad it did happen before I die."

"Which we all know is probably going to happen very soon..."  
Now Jason's grin was shit-eating, but it served him a hit by Brian as well.

"You know that I'm fucking happy to know you, right?", Jason smiled, feeling weirdly wholesome considering he just been hit.

"Since when does Violet Chachki show love so open and unconditionally? I didn't know that all you needed was a good fuck to be this nice."

"Oh shut up bitch or I will take everything back I've just said."

Brian laughed and pulled him into a hug. "You love me because I'm so mean."

"Yeah, probably."

"Now let me take some pictures of you that will make Matt lose his mind!"

"That's why we're best friends, bitch!"

*  
So they took a few pictures of Jason's new outfits, but quickly decided that his apartment was too boring as a location. But going outside was not an option as well, because it was raining heavily. It was late summer in NYC after all.

"We should do this definitely some other time", Jason huffed, as he was undressing himself.

"Or", Brian started, while he was looking at Jason, "We could move the shooting inside of your bed room and you get stay like that.” He pointed at Jason's underwear.

Jason laughed and rolled with his eyes, but then... “Wait a minute. That's actually not a bad idea.”

“I never come up with bad ideas. What are you talking about?”, Brian said, mock offended.

So they moved their impromptu shooting into Jason's bed room, like Brian said.

Jason laid down on his bed, playing with the covers, getting himself into erotic poses while flirting heavily with the camera. He wasn't new to those kind of shootings, he had already modeled for a lot of lingerie brands. But now he was giving his A-Game, knowing that the pictures were for private matters only. That matter being Matt.

The hours passed and it soon was shortly before midnight, when Brian announced that he was going to head home.

“I have an important shoot tomorrow”, he explained and yawned, “and if I don't go to sleep now I probably won't wake up on time.”

Jason threw over a robe and brought Brian to the door, where they were saying their goodbyes. But Brian didn't left without giving Jason his memory card, telling him to give it back the next time they'd see each other.

Even though Jason was tired already, he still opened his laptop to look at the pictures and choose his favorite. He chose one where he was laying on the bed, on his belly, but he was stretching his arms, lifting his booty up in the air. It looked very sexy but somewhat casual, so Matt wouldn't know how much more pictures they had took.

So he sent Matt the picture and added a message as well.

J (12:25 am) - Been thinking of you the whole day. x

The response came almost immediately.

M (12:26 am) - we should meet, i can't wait any longer to see you again

M (12:26 am) - 12 pm at central park

M (12:26 am) - we could grab lunch together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a playlist for this fic, if anyone is interested :)


	4. 2.2 Falling For You

The first thing that came into Jason's mind as he saw him was that Matt was absolutely gorgeous. The way he was standing there with his cute shorts and checkered shirt, a cigarette aimlessly dangling from his mouth. He hadn't noticed him yet, he was frowning at his phone while typing something.

When Matt looked up Jason could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, just knowing that the text he had witnessed him writing had been sent to him.

“Hey handsome” Jason purred, sliding a hand over Matt's chest, taking all of him in. He looked even better than on the night of the concert.

“Hey babe” Matt answered and flicked his cigarette to the ground, smoke was leaving his mouth as he did so, probably remembering that Jason hated smoking. He then pulled Jason into a tight hug, causing him to close his eyes and breathe in Matt's scent.

It was different from the other night, not so heavy. The smell of cigarettes was still there, but more subtle and he smelled more fresh, lacking the heavy scent of sweat.

Letting go, a wide grin spread along Matt's face. “You smell different this time, not so much like a cheap whore”, Matt drawled with his lazy, calm voice, and Jason couldn't help himself, he let out a dramatic gasp and laughed. “Oh shut up! I could say the exact same thing about you!”

Jason took the opportunity of their closeness to tug on Matt's septum, carefully, remembering how harsh he did it last time and how Matt had reacted. This time he smiled, as if he was remembering the same thing.

“You know, You really are something, Violet Chachki”

He smiled at the second reminder of their night together and watched Matt stick his hands in his pockets. “You wanna go for a walk? Or grab something to eat first?”

“I'm not that hungry”, Jason answered, not adding the fact that it was because he was so nervous and his belly was actually full of butterflies (the fuck?), “So let's just go for a walk?”

“Sure, the park is all ours”, Matt answered while grinning.

They were walking in silence for a few seconds and Jason wasn't sure what to say. It had been an one-night-stand after all and he usually didn't talk to the guys he fucked. But Matt wasn't just a guy he had fucked, he was something else.

The second he started doubting if this might had been a bad idea - maybe they should have met in one of their apartments to fuck? - Matt was talking again.

“You know, it's really weird that I can't stop thinking about you. The fuck are you doing?” He looked at him so confused, so genuinely surprised, that Jason laughed.

“I'm not doing anything, I swear. Not on purpose at least...”

He grinned coquettishly and Matt groaned. The “See, you're doing it again!” made Jason fell all giddy. Even if he was used to drive all the men crazy, it was something else with Matt. More special.

Jason wished he could be open with his emotions and tell Matt how much he liked him as well and how often he was thinking about him. But of course he didn't.  
So he decided to change the topic.

“So... how have you been?”

Matt let out a short laugh, Jason looked over, noticing the twinkle in Matt's eyes.

“I've been very good. Well, work sucks, but the band is starting to build up, maybe I won’t need my shitty job soon any more.”

“What are you working?”

“Ugh”, Matt responded, scratching at the back of his head, “I'm a cashier at a local kiosk. Nothing glamorous, really. My job definitely couldn't compare to yours.” He grinned at Jason, and he found himself smiling back.

“Yea, it could never.”

It was easier than Jason had thought it would be. Talking to Matt. Being with him. Usually if you met someone you had an one-night-stand with it was hella awkward, or you didn't talk at all, but with Matt, it felt different.

Everything felt different with Matt, Jason realized, that was probably something he should worry about. But he was too happy to worry about anything.

“You wanna sit?” Matt asked and pointed at a bench. They were at the Diana Ross playground and Jason smirked as he sat down.

“Were the other benches not gay enough?”, he cockily asked, and winked at Matt, who let out a laugh and sat down next to him.

The playground was almost empty, it was a school day after all, but there were still a few kids here and there.

“I love this playground. All my best childhood memories”, Matt told him, smiling softly at two kids who were playfully fighting each other.

“So you were born in New York?”

“Yes, born and raised. My parents are from Florida, and they moved there again as soon as I was old enough to care for myself. Well, at least my mom did. My father is probably still living here, but I don't really care about him.”

“How old were you when they broke up?”, Jason asked, looking at Matt. But he wasn't looking back, he was still looking at the kids, his gaze seemed far away.

“Where did you grow up, then? If not in New York?” Matt asked, as if he hadn't heard Jason's question. Jason decided to just go with it, it seemed to be a sensitive topic for Matt, and he didn't want to push him or anything.

“I'm from Georgia. Atlanta, to be precise.”

“Gorgeous boy from Georgia, I see. What brought you here?”

Jason smiled at that, feeling ridiculous that the smallest compliments and flirts made him feel that much.

“I wanted to pursue a career in the fashion industry. Where else should I have gone if not New York?”

“Right”, Matt smiled, “I forgot about that. When did you move here?”

“I think it must have been right after school. So probably around 7 years ago?”

“So, I'm your seven year itch, then?”

Jason laughed.

*

They sat there for a while, just talking about each others life's, about Liaison, about the two Brian's, about Violet Chachki – about everything, really.  
It was easy to talk to Matt, Jason couldn't remember a time he had actually enjoyed talking to a guy that wasn't Brian. It was usually so much effort, so much work to find topics or to be careful what to say.

“Aw, look at those two”, Matt interrupted his own story, he had been telling Jason about how he had met Danny in high school and didn't get rid of him ever since, to point at two boys. They were standing next to each other on a rock-like wall, and were kind of holding each other on their hips. They seemed to be playing a game, where they tried to walk on the wall, but only used one leg each.

“Cute”, Jason stated and they watched them for a while. Until they got annoyed after a few minutes, because they always just managed to do one step. So they left to play somewhere else.

“You thinking what I'm thinking?”, Matt asked, to which Jason only lift a brow in response.  
“We should try it as well!”

Matt seemed so enthusiastic, Jason's original answer was stuck in his throat, and he got up to go after Matt.

So they tried that little game as well, realizing that it was in fact pretty hard not to fall. Matt's hands on Jason's hips were burning, causing Jason to dig his fingers deeper in Matt's skin. He was pretty sure that the game looked far less innocent and more like a weird kind of foreplay.

They were radiating sexual tension. And all that Jason could think about was kissing Matt and how badly he wanted to feel him inside him.

He was in luck, because apparently those were Matt's thought as well, because when they did fall for the thousandth time or so, he said that they should definitely get out of here – and that Danny was working, so they could be as loud as they wanted to be.  
So why the hell should Jason have said no to that?

*

It soon became a regular thing.

*

M (4:31 pm) - I have band practice, so I can't tonight

M (4:33 pm) - But you should totally come if you don't have any other plans

Those texts were the reason that Jason was standing in front of a garage in Brooklyn instead of being pleasured in Matt's bed.

“We practice in Sang's garage. He bought it in case he would buy a car, but well – that obviously never happened. I would have told him that, If he had asked for my opinion, but I won't complain, at least we have somewhere to practice properly since then”, Matt had explained to him one time.

He had told him that he should get in through the side-door, which he could reach by going through the back alley, which was full of graffiti and trash. It was definitely a foreign world to him and he definitely hadn't expected the room to look the way it did when he entered.

He was overwhelmed by the smell of smoke, weed and pizza.

The garage was spacious, way more than it looked from the outside, and cozy. There was a large couch in the corner, which looked very old, but the comfy kind of run-down. There were a lot of pillows scattered around, as well as the band-members’ instruments.  
A big drum-set was standing in the middle of the room, underneath was a ratchet looking carpet, which had definitely seen better times.

But the place was still charming.

The boys were obviously taking a break right now, the pile of empty pizza cartons an implication that they had just eaten dinner. Sang, Brian and a dude Jason didn't know were sitting on the couch, Danny on the carpet in front of them, his head resting in the lap of the dude, and Matt was sitting on his drum stool, with the back turned to the drums, to the door and to Jason as well. They were all talking at the same time, Danny, being the loudest of them all, was wildly gesticulating, but stopped in his actions as soon as he saw Jason, who still stood in the door, unsure of what to do.

“I think you have a guest, Mattie”, Danny said, to which the others immediately stopped talking and looked at Jason.

Matt turned around on his chair, a genuine smile on his face. “Hey there” His hands were busy building a joint, so he made a head gesture instead.  
“Come over here, take a seat.”

Jason walked past Matt, but not without touching his shoulder while walking by. Brian made room for him on the couch, so he sat down between him and the guy he didn't know.

“If I had known that it's bring your boy-toy to band practice I would have invited Brian. And Sang would have loved to bring his body pillow of Tuxedo Mask as well.” Brian grinned and earned a gentle shove from Sang. Jason rolled his eyes, Danny rolled around in laughter and Matt was too busy to react, because he was still rolling his joint.

“Oh talking about Brian!”, Brian beamed, “How is he?”  
The glimmer in eyes was obvious and meant unmistakably one thing, he was head over heels.

Jason let out a bemused sound. “I should ask you. Haven't seen him a lot around lately. Always tells me he's with you when I ask him to hang out.”

“Oh yeah. His tongue is literally up my ass most time, so we don't talk that much.”, Brian deadpanned.

“Ewww gross! Nobody wanted to hear that!”, Danny screeched but it turned into laughter a few seconds later.

“Nobody wants to hear you moaning Roy's name and calling him Daddy when you two go 'talk' either, but you do it nonetheless.” Brian shot back, causing everybody to laugh, the loudest of course Danny, just the guy next to Jason (Roy?) was quiet.

“Shut up you absolute whore”, Danny giggled and kissed quiet guy's knee, while still eyeing Brian.

Jason took a closer look at the guy, which he was almost sure to be be Roy. The first thing he noticed was that he was older than the rest of them. At least 10 years or so. Which wasn't odd, per se, thinking about the other Brian.  
He looked Hispanic, the gesture of Danny had made him smile, revealing his dimples.

Jason remembered that Matt had told him that Danny usually dated sugar daddies, to get the luxurious lifestyle he wanted (or at least the shoes), but their relationship seemed different.

He made himself a mental note to ask Matt about it later.

“I'm not the whore, babe”, Brian mumbled, but it wasn't as quiet as he probably intended it to be.

“What?!”

While the others kept bantering for a bit, Jason studied Matt who was taking the joint between his lips, while searching through his pockets for a lighter. He was radiating coolness as usually – nonchalance and effortlessness.

Jason admired it. Admired him. It was hard to keep his hands off of him.

Matt took a drag from the blunt, inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, the expression on his face calm and blissful. Jason couldn't help but stare, the conversations from the other guys were just background noises.

Matt opened his eyes and their eyes met, Jason felt busted for a short moment, but Matt only smiled, raised his eyebrows and took another drag, still looking at Jason.

“Hurry up, Matt, you're taking forever!” Danny 'interrupted' them. 

Matt sighed and rolled his eyes. “Hurry up? If you wanted a smoke you should have said so. I would have built a bigger on. This one's all mine.” He shrugged and took another drag.

“It's my weed, stupid. So gimme some.” Danny said and slapped Matt's knee, then held out his hand, ready for the joint to get passed.

“Y'all should stop with the drugs, we could already be famous if we would actually practice”, Brian stated.

“Says the right one!”, everybody else answered, Matt pointing with his joint at Brian's strawberry flavored beer, giving Danny the opportunity to snatch the j away from him. Matt let out an annoyed sigh, but didn't do anything else.

“I feel very attacked!”, Brian shouted in mock-agony.

Jason could already tell from the few minutes he had been in here that they seemed to banter a lot. It somehow made him feel warm and welcomed, in the weirdest way possible.

*

After Matt and Danny finished the joint (they had ended up taking equal turns) they decided to actually practice for a bit.

They were working on a cover right now, because Danny had explained that people loved hearing something familiar in a different style.  
“And besides” he had said, while looking strictly at Matt, “We don't have any new song ideas.”

Matt had only shrugged.

So they were working on a cover of Ariana Grande's “no tears left to cry”. Jason was grinning while they were practicing, asking himself if it could get possibly any gayer than that.

But what they played sounded good, Danny's voice was amazing.

*

They went home after they had practiced the song a few times and Danny had gotten frustrated because he hadn't managed to hit one particular note.

“Danny's often like that”, Matt explained while they were walking down the New York streets by night, “He's a little drama queen, I think that's why him and Roy are together. He needs someone to bring him down to earth.”

“But Roy was so quiet, wasn't he?”, Jason wondered.

“Yeah, he's a bit shy. But believe me, he hits back if he needs to. And when he's drunk he becomes the funniest person on this planet. He starts to roast everyone, it's truly amazing.”

“That sounds so odd. He didn't seem at all to be that type of person.”

“Yeah, some people are full of surprises.”, Matt said, and Jason could feel his gaze, but he didn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a rather short chapter, but I hope y'all liked it :)  
> My best friend edited this chapter, thank you so much xx


	5. 2.3 Burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The longest chapter so far and a really important one as well.  
> I appreciate every Kudos and every comment!! :)  
> Enjoy x

It was the first day since Matt's first phone call that Jason hadn't heard a single word from Matt without him announcing it. He was starting to worry. Jason knew that he was probably overreacting. In fact, he didn't even have any right to worry – it wasn't that Matt had promised to write him everyday. Or maybe he was just busy.

… or maybe he was with somebody else right now.

Who was Jason trying to fool? Of course he was overthinking it, jumping to conclusions that made him angry, sad and jealous. He definitely had some kind of attention-complex and there was nothing he hated more when he didn't get the attention he wanted. Or needed. Or craved.

He tried everything to not think about it, to not feel the way he felt – but it hadn't worked.

Jason definitely started to become insane.

Brian was not much of a help either. He had ditched Jason's call and the text message he received afterwards explained that he couldn't talk right now because he was with Brian 2. The added eggplant and splashing droplet emojis were definitely TMI.

Jason had groaned in frustration and had stayed on the couch ever since, staring at his phone as if he could somehow conjure a new text message from Matt.

He knew there were plenty of things to do on his free day. But somehow he just couldn't concentrate on anything else. It frustrated him, really, that was something he had tried to avoid: becoming attached.

But of course that was something that happened slowly.

Falling for someone: feelings sneaking up behind you and hitting you in the back, that's what it felt like. At least for someone with attachment issues – and he had those. He had definitely too much issues, thanks to the last and only guy he had felt this hard for.

After he had painted his nails five different times (he did it so that he couldn't check his phone too often, it made him sick how often he unlocked it just to see that there weren't any new messages, again) the phone ringed.

Jason almost spilled the dark purple nail polish he had used last as he hastily grabbed the phone. The caller ID showed that it was Matt, indeed, fucking finally.

He took a deep breath and waited a few seconds before picking up, responding in a monotone, disinterested voice: “Hello?”

“Hey J”, you could hear the smile in Matt's voice, “What are you up to?”

Jason tried to keep his voice calm, tried to seem like he didn't care that Matt hadn't called earlier. “Not much. What have you been up to?

Even though he tried, his voice was still sounding cold, leaking with acid.

“Was busy”, Matt answered shortly, “Is everything okay?”

Of course he had sensed Jason's bad mood. He was bad at hiding it and Matt could read him anyway. Hating himself that he was so needy and so very bad at taking things casually he responded “Yeah sure” with a voice that sounded fake and distant, even though he tried so hard not to. “Why are you calling?”

“I was wondering if you're free to eat dinner? I really want to spend my... - today with you.” he sounded sincere. The jealousy that Jason had felt only mere seconds ago subsided a bit. Who else should Matt had been with anyway?

Even though he was still a little mad he wanted to see him as well. That desire weighed more than any anger ever could.

“Sure why not”, Jason noticed how his voice softened, “Where do you want to meet?”

*

A bit over an hour later, Jason was standing in front of Burger Heaven, observing his outfit in the large window.

It was late summer in NYC, and the heat had subsided a bit, making the evenings almost a bit chilly. The sun was already setting and it was only 7 pm, making it clear that autumn was on its way.

He was wearing a tight white shirt and blue mid-waist jeans, which were making his ass look fantastic. The outfit was basic, but he was rocking a subtle smokey eye.

He could see Matt approach him from behind but decided to ignore him. He felt rather than saw how Matt grabbed him at his waist and pulled him close. Then he whispered the following words into Jason's ear:  
“Yes, you look absolutely gorgeous, you narcissistic fuck.”

Jason let out a breathy laugh at that, muttering “Fucking creep”, enjoying the view of them in the window for a bit longer before he turned around.

“Hey Mr. Incognito” he purred and bashed his eyelashes at him, “Or should I call you Mr. I-won't-write-all-day?”  
It was supposed to be a side-stab, something that showed him that he was annoyed, but not too much. But Matt only looked confused.

“You could have called if you wanted to talk, y'know” he stated, stepped away from Jason to make a vague gesture in the general direction of the door. “Shall we?”

He held the door open and Jason walked inside, mentally reminding himself to stay calm and collected, and not to behave like a whiny and neglected bitch.

They sat down at the booth in the back of the restaurant, seeking privacy as always. They were starring at the menus, the mood between them obviously weird and tense. Which was unusual, because normally being with Matt was as easy as breathing, but right now Jason struggled with both.

“You know what you wanna order?”, they broke the silence at the exact same time, causing them both to laugh.

Matt grabbed Jason's hand that was laying on the table and squeezed it shortly. Jason's heart fluttered at the openly display of affection. Matt's laugh turned into a soft smile, his hand lingering a while longer on Jason's.

“I'm sorry I didn't call earlier”, he muttered under his breath, “I have been in a weird mood the entire day.”

“Did something happen?”

“No, no... not at all.”

Jason didn't know if he should believe Matt or not. What kind of weird mood was that supposed to be? Jason couldn't shake off the feeling that it had something to do with him. The whole setting was off. The restaurant, the tension, Matt being overly nice … - this was a breakup-scenario.

“Hi sweeties, have you already decided what you want?” someone asked, making Jason look up and Matt pulling his hand away.  
It was a blonde waitress, chewing gum, looking at them with a bored expression on her.

“Uhh sure... Jason, what do you want?” Matt answered slowly, clearly confused by the sudden change of subject.

“A glass of water” Jason replied shortly, looking nowhere in particular.

He could see the waitress writing it down on her little notebook and Matt looking at him in confusion, furrowing his brows.

“And?” - “That's it.” - “Are you sure?” - “Yes.”

Matt took a deep breath and let it out as an annoyed sigh. “Okay, whatever. I'll have a coke and the veggie burger, please. With fries.”

As soon as the waitress left their table Matt spoke up. “What the fuck, Jason?”

“I'm not hungry, what's the big deal?”

“If you weren't hungry you would have said that beforehand! Something's clearly up!”

Something's clearly up, indeed, Jason thought bitterly, if you wanted to dump me, you could have done that beforehand.

“Please, as if you care...” Jason muttered. He knew that he annoyed the heck out of Matt when he behaved like that, but he would never beg him to stay with him.

“Stop acting like a total bitch, just tell me what the fuck's up! I'm not in the mood for guessing.”

Jason said nothing. He knew that he was being childish, but now he was far too gone – he couldn't change it even if he wanted to.

The silence was interrupted by Matt's phone vibrating on the table. Matt let out another annoyed sigh, looked at the screen, smiled shortly, but seemed even more annoyed afterwards.

Jason tried to catch a glimpse of the screen but it was too dark.

“What is it?” Jason asked. “Nothing” Matt answered.

Nothing. The universal code that there was some kind of secret. The jealousy and anger bubbled inside Jason. Matt probably was with someone else. That was the only plausible explanation.

He couldn't keep quiet anymore, he needed to speak up, now or never.  
“Just say it if you're fucking someone else.”

“What the... What are you talking about?!”

They were staring at each other, Jason was quirking an eyebrow, trying to be provocative, he didn't want Matt to sense his true feelings. Matt was looking at Jason, like he wasn't sure what to say, the accusation seemed to have taken him completely off-guard.

“Here you go sweeties”, the monotone voice of the waitress pulled them out of their staring contest. She was putting the glasses in front of them, the glass of water had a stupid pinkish straw inside, as if it would make the drink more special, more expensive.

Jason scoffed and pursed his lips, looking the opposite way. He was mad. He was annoyed. And Jason couldn't handle those kind of emotions very well. He was a Diva at heart, that was for sure.

“Thank you”, Matt said and probably smiled, because of the fucking stupid Casanova he was. No wonder Jason wasn't trusting his flirty attitude.

When the waitress was gone again, Jason felt Matt's eyes on him, burning his skin, making him feel uncomfortable. The silence between them was already going on too long but Jason was way too proud to say something. Especially because it was actually Matt's part to say something.

“Just say something already.” Jason was never good with being quiet.

“What am I supposed to say to that? We're not exclusive, you know that...”, Matt hushed in a quiet voice, carefully not to make a scene, “And I mean, it's not like I owe you any kind of explanation, but just so that you know, I'm not seeing anybody else right now.”

“You're not?”

“No, how the hell did you even think of that? And what would be the matter anyway? No strings attached, you remember? You said so yourself.”

Jason remained silent. He felt so stupid. Why did he even bring it up? It was like Matt said, they were not exclusive, so he had no right to behave like a total bitch. But his feelings acted crazy, and his mind couldn't be controlled, not when he was head over heels...

“Can I have some of your fries when they arrive, maybe?”, Jason asked in a quiet voice, trying to change the subject. As a peace offer.

“You're ridiculous”, Matt said while rolling his eyes, but with a small smile on his lips nevertheless, “I can share a few, but maybe you should order yourself something as well so you're not gonna starve to death.”

Jason smiled as well, feeling more sure of himself now that Matt confirmed that there was no other guy than him. The fact that Matt and him had a completely different view on their relationship and that this all could be very toxic was something he chose to ignore.

Instead he did order himself a large portion of fries (because of course he was hungry as fuck) and a milkshake when the waitress came back. She was seemingly confused but didn't say a word.

The rest of their dinner was calm, comfortable. They were joking and talking about the usual stuff, but Jason couldn't shake off the weird feeling he had all day completely. Something seemed off, and if it wasn't about 'their thing', something else was off. He was sure of it. Matt was hiding something.

Right before they wanted to pay Matt's phone rang, signalizing an incoming call. Jason caught a glimpse of the screen which read “Mom” before Matt picked it up, answering it.

“Hey mom... Aww thank you... you actually are, I'm at dinner right now... With a friend... You don't need to meet every friend of mine, mom.”

Jason looked at the menu and tried not to listen, he tried to seem busy... but of course he listened. How the fuck could he not? And it was weird hearing the word friend out of Matt's mouth while talking about him. Well, of course they were just friends. But hearing it out loud felt weird... and it kinda hurt.

 

“Thank you again.... Yes I'll make sure to have a great day, don't worry about it. … You sent me something? … No, it's not there yet. … A cake? … You're ridiculous, mom. … Thanks, yes... Yes... I'm gonna hang up now, mom, I don't wanna be rude. … Yeah... Yeah... Love you too.”

Jason looked up as Matt shoved the phone in his pocket.

“Am sorry”, Matt said, smiling apologetic.

“It's okay. Family first, am I right? What did she want?”

“Nothing in particular.”, he brushed the question of.

He accepted that Matt obviously didn't want to talk about it, even though he still found it weird to begin with.

*

When they left the restaurant it was already dark. It was a bit chillier than earlier, but still warm. Jason already dreaded autumn and winter, and the cold weather that would come with that. He loved nothing more than walking on a summer night, without a jacket. Matt always tended to freeze easier than him, he had learned, he was wearing his flannel well.

Jason fought the urge to take Matt's hand into his, they were brushing ever so slightly and Jason needed some body contact after their fight. Maybe they could go home and...

“So, what are your plans?”, he asked, trying to sound casually.

“Don't have any”, Matt stated, smiling at him, “Wanted to spend the rest of the night with you, if that's okay.”

Jason returned the smile, trying not to show how happy that statement made him really. “Of course it's okay.” His voice sounded soft and still a bit apologetic.  
Matt looked knowingly at him.

“I was thinking of maybe grabbing a drink? I'm in the mood to get a little tipsy.”

Jason nodded and they started to discuss where to drink while walking down the road.

After they had decided where to go they were walking quietly, just enjoying each others presence. Jason regretted that he had acted the way he had but didn't know how to tell Matt. He had never been good with words, or feelings for that matter. Jason liked to compare himself with a doll, beautiful, but kinda stiff.

That's what probably was holding him back – holding him back from being honest and telling Matt what he really wanted. But did it really matter as long as Jason could be next to Matt? He shouldn't care as long as he could be with him, no matter how.

“Tomorrow's a band practice. I really need to go if I don't wanna get killed by Danny.” Matt told him nonchalantly, making Jason turn to look at him, only finding out that Matt was already looking at him.

“Why?” - “Because I skipped the last time. I didn't feel well. But in Danny's opinion we're not too far from getting actually famous. 'You should show some discipline, Matthew'.” he mocked Danny's voice and let out a short laugh after that.

Jason smiled at the obvious emotions Matt tried to hide in the form of his kind-hearted spoof – the distress over Danny's critique, the angst that he could might be serious.

“What do the others say?”, he asked, because the topic seemed easy and he was sick of the silence between them.

“Brian is making jokes about depression and that we're probably all dead before we get famous anyway. So no difference to his usual behavior. Sang is still doubting that we'll be successful at all, but I personally think that Danny might be right. I just suck at being disciplined. I often give up before I properly try.”

Matt sounded sad, broken even. It was definitely a side and tone Jason had never seen or heard before.

Jason wanted nothing more than to grab Matt's hand, interlace their fingers and talk to him about all his insecurities. But before he could do so, before he could even bring up the courage to do so, they were interrupted.

“Matt! What a coincidence.” Jason shifted his attention from Matt to the unknown guy who was suddenly in front of them, stopping them in their tracks.

He was tall – taller than them – and very handsome. Jason disliked him immediately.

“Oh, hi Kyle.” Matt's voice sounded surprised, but other than that it was lacking emotions.

“Long time no see. Funny that it's today out of all the days.” Kyle shot a short glance to Jason, who was trying to stare him down and figure out who he was at the same time.

Matt said nothing and Kyle was obviously starting to feel awkward. Jason could tell because of his body language that he was preparing to leave.

“Whatever, I need to go anyways. Happy birthday, Matt. I hope you two make the best of it.”

Then he reached out to gently touch Matt's shoulder (Jason could swear that he even squeezed a little) and then he was gone as fast as he had come.

Jason felt awful. His heart had dropped to the ground, white noise was filling his ears.

“It's your birthday?” He felt so dumb.

Matt smiled apologetic at him and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “Well, it's not a big deal.”

“Well, it is to me.”

He didn't understand why he felt how he felt. It probably wasn't a big deal, just like Matt had said, but that didn't lessen the inexplicable anger that bubbled up.

Matt didn't seem to notice, letting out a short laugh and a “Never mind” before starting to walk again.

Jason didn't follow. He was full of unsolved emotions, angry and disappointed, unbothered to act normal.

“You coming?” Matt asked nonchalantly over his shoulder and that triggered something inside Jason to explode.

“Are you actually fucking kidding me right now?!”, he said in a voice that meant nothing but war.

Matt stopped in his ways to turn around, a confused look on his face. They were a few feet apart by now, but Jason couldn't bother to close the distance between them, even if that meant he he needed to talk a tad louder than which was considered normal.

Matt looked at him, as if he was unsure if this was a joke or not.  
“What the fuck is the problem?”

Jason took a deep breath, a small voice in him demanded him to stay calm and not to make a scene out of something so non-essential. But he chose to ignore it.

“We spent the last couple hours together and you consider it not necessary to tell me that it's your motherfucking birthday?!”  
Jason's voice grew louder so that he almost shouted the last bit.

“You're kidding, right?” Matt let out a disbelieving laugh, but Jason only scoffed at that, looking away.

“You're actually being serious”, Matt dead panned, his voice turning from confused and amused to annoyed, “Oh my god. You're such a drama queen.”

He turned around, intending to walk away, which made Jason even angrier. With a few steps he was behind Matt to grab his arm.

“What are you doing?”  
“Walking away, I'm so tired of your bullshit.”

Jason gasped and let go of Matt's arm as if he had burnt himself. He didn't feel angry any more, he felt sick.

“Tired of my bullshit? Talk for you fucking self...”

Now Matt got worked up, the usual easiness and effortlessness wavered to make room for an annoyed but mocking expression.

“You're the one making the drama out of nothing. I didn't tell you about my birthday, so what?! What are you even mad about?”

Jason looked at him, trying to seem equally annoyed, but actually feeling dumb and hurt. “I'm mad because you never tell me anything. You only call me up for sex. It's like I'm not even a real person to you.”  
Jason's voice gave away how upset he was, it sounded whiny and he knew that he was talking bullshit. But it was always like that. As soon as the emotions took over he couldn't stay rational – at all.

“That's ridiculous. You know that. How often do I need to assure you that?” Matt sounded frustrated, helpless almost.

“Well, it feels otherwise.” Jason mumbled, trying not to look at Matt. He felt small and vulnerable, as if Matt wouldn't understand him.

“Well do you know how I feel? It feels like you want me to act like I'm your motherfucking boyfriend, but how often do I need to tell you that we're not in a relationship?!”

Jason huffed. He wasn't happy with the turn their conversation had took, wasn't happy that he seemed to be the unreasonable one.

“Why didn't you just tell me about your birthday? I feel so stupid that I didn't know.”, he said, and looked back at Matt, tried to read his mind or his feelings.

“I just hate getting older. I hate getting that kind of attention. That's all.” Matt shrugged, but looked back at Jason with the same intensity.

“Okay, I understand that. Still feeling stupid tho.”

Jason crossed his arm in front of his chest, starting to shiver a bit. Now he wished that he had taken a jacket with him, the nights were getting indeed colder. Goosebumps were rising on his naked arms, and he was mindlessly rubbing them. Matt reached out and laid one hand on Jason's right arm.

“If I had known that it was that important to you, I would have told you.”

Jason would rather bite his tongue off than to admit how glad he was about Matt's touch.  
“That's the problem.” Jason sighed “We always seem to think different about the importance of things. Maybe that's why we are fighting right now.”

Matt just stared blankly at him. After a few seconds he took his hand away and opened his mouth to answer: “Or maybe you're just being over dramatic.”

Jason huffed and rolled his eyes. He realized that there was no way they could get out of this fight without apologizing. But he definitely didn't feel like it. Even though he knew that he probably should, he still was pissed off.

They just looked at each other, unsure of what to say. The seconds passed by and you could tell that Matt's annoyed attitude faltered with them.  
He looked tired instead, exhausted, defeated even as he spoke up: “Look... I don't really wanna fight with you, or talk it out here on the street. Your place is not too far from here... Maybe we should just go there.”

“Aren't you sick of me yet?”

“Actually, I probably should be. But somehow I still want to spend the rest of my birthday with you. If that's okay, I mean.”

*

Jason knew that he had been a total bitch all day and he truly felt bad for it. He knew damn well that he never promised anything himself, so why would he except a promise of Matt? They said so themselves, no boundaries, no exclusiveness, only positive vibes.

The thing was, Jason normally hadn't a problem with those kind of deals, friends with benefits, fuckbuddies or whatever, but something about Matt's attitude made him so fucking jealous, like fire burning underneath his skin, a small voice in his head that told him that he wanted Matt all to himself.

But now they were sitting on Jason's bed in his loft, on the opposite ends of the bed, and Jason could feel the coldness between them. That wasn't like he wanted it to be, it wasn't fun or uncomplicated at all, it felt as if they had been married for 20 years and hated each others guts.

Jason looked up from his feet which he had been looking at for the last couple of minutes to look at Matt, finding him staring angrily at his phone, scrolling through it, but seemingly unfocused.

The last thing they had talked about was that Kyle was a guy Matt had used to fuck, but that he had wanted more, which Matt had said no to. Oddly relatable.

But since then they had been silent.

It took him everything to swallow his pride and to scoot over to him, placing one of his hands on Matt's arm. He wasn't used to it, wasn't used to apologizing and admitting that he had done something wrong. Usually everyone would forgive him instantly just so they could … fuck or something else.

“I'm sorry” he murmured, so quiet that you almost couldn't hear it, the words only hammering in his ears because the room was so, so quiet.

Matt grunted in response, scrolling more aggressively.

Usually, Jason was forgiven at least now. He didn't even know what to do or say other than that. So he just ghosted his fingertips over Matt's arm in a caressing way. The goosebumps that came with that didn't come unnoticed.

After a few minutes he spoke again. “Matt, did you hear me? I said I'm sorry.”  
His voice was louder this time, harder, more sure of himself. When these goosebumps were anything to go by, he knew that Matt wasn't truly angry. Or at least not unforgivably mad at Jason.

Matt let out a short harsh laugh. “Go and buy yourself some pretty diamonds with that cheap excuse.”

His words were like tiny daggers, digging deep into Jason's skin, leaving him feeling nauseous. He never fought with anyone, and he didn't want to either, especially not with Matt.

“I don't want diamonds”  
I only want you, he added in his mind, but he would rather bite of his own tongue than admit that.

“Oh right, I forgot you only want to act like the drama queen you truly are.”

“That's not true and you know that. Why are you so mean? I already said that I'm sorry, what else am I supposed to do?”

“Really? You think you can go trough the world and a little 'I'm sorry' will bring you forgiveness? Jason, you're such a spoiled brat, I swear to god!”

Matt was being unfair and it was driving Jason insane. He wasn't understanding Jason, wasn't even trying to understand him – how was he supposed to know how to excuse properly when he never needed to do so? Instead of helping Jason, Matt turned the situation and acted like the problem was him, and not everyone else.

“Well if that's not enough, then I'm sorry, but I don't have anything else to offer” Jason scoffed. He hated himself for being like this. Stubborn. Uppish. Incompatible. But that was how we was and he couldn't just change it from scratch. Especially not just because a handsome boy stepped into his life and was asking for it. Especially not then.

He pulled his hand away, not without noticing that Matt's arm looked incomplete without it being there. Matt sighed and finally put his phone away.

But Jason tried to look not too hopeful, crossing his arms and huffing angrily.

Suddenly, a small smile sneaked itself on Matt's face. “You truly are something, Violet Chachki.”

“I hope you mean that as a compliment”

“Most times, yes” Matt let out a breathy laugh and moved a little bit closer.

Jason rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress the small smile.

“So... You are sorry?”

Jason nodded.

“And you don't know how to show it?”

Jason nodded again, liking the turn the conversation was taking, a more natural banter settling between them, reminding him of how much he liked to be with Matt, no drama, only fun.

“Maybe you could prove it...” A devilish grin spread across Matt's face, making his usually sleepy features light up.

As an answer Jason quirked his eyebrow and inspected Matt. “How?”

“Oh I don't know, I can think of a lot of ways...and it's my birthday, after all...”

Suddenly, Jason could think of a way, too. He remembered their text-talk some time ago, where they talked about their kinks. And damn it, if he didn't think of hot and angry make-up sex before, he definitely thought of it now.

He also knew exactly what kind of gesture would melt Matt completely.

*

He didn't know what the fuck he was doing. He had slept with several guys, who had all types of kinks, but he never had slept with someone with a foot kink. Jason had always thought that was something only straight guys had. Of course he had known that there were gay guys who had that kind of kink, but he couldn't understand what someone could find sexually attractive about man-feet. They weren't as soft and small, as cute as female feet. They were just ugly and gross and normally just hairy as fuck.

But he had noticed before how Matt looked at his feet, and how softly he touched them when he was fucking into Jason, his legs up on Matt's shoulders, his feet in kiss-distance. So he wasn't completely surprised when Matt had told him about his kink and he wasn't too opposed to the idea to try it. He loved experimenting in bed and how hard could it be, really? If he was the one who did it, of course, he didn't really want some feet on his dick or his mouth, but he kind of saw the appeal of his feet being worshipped. Who could say no to a foot massage anyway?

So he told himself not to think too much about it and just go with the flow, he wanted to make Matt feel good, wanted Matt to forgive him.

“Just tell me if I'm doing something wrong”, Jason whispered as he took of his second sock as well. Matt just nodded, crossing his arms behind his head, watching intently. It was making Jason feel all hot and worked up, the way Matt was watching him hungrily, unbothered hiding his obvious erection at the thought alone of Jason's feet on him.

It was long ago that Jason had felt this nervous about sex. He watched a lot of porn and he was very open in bed, but he didn't have a clue what to do next, what would be a turn on and what not.

He took a deep breath and positioned himself that he was sitting between Matt's legs, enough space for his legs. Then he moved his left foot in the general direction of Matt's crotch, looking one last time in Matt's excited face and then concentrating on his feet. He wiggled his toes and then trailed his big toe along the outline of Matt's cock. Softly at first, but he repeated the action with more pressure as soon as he observed that Matt's whole body got stiff and he let out a shaky breath.

Maybe this could be a lot of fun after all. After all he loved seeing Matt falling apart, making him go wild and horny, all because of him.

While he was repeating the stroking motion of his big toe, he slid his other foot up and down Matt's bare thigh, getting used to the strange sensation on his heels.

“You like that? Like my feet rubbing all over you? Dirty, dirty boy...” Jason whispered and loved the strangled groan he got as an answer.

“Touch it already”, Matt whimpered.

“Please” he added quietly, the word ringing in Jason's ears, making him feel fan-fucking-tastic.

So he hooked his big toe under Matt's boxer-shorts, tried pulling it down without his hands but failing. For a second he was afraid that his clumsiness was super unsexy, but Matt's expression hadn't changed so he just pulled it down with his hands. Matt's erection sprung free and as he touched it with his foot Matt gasped.

“Your feet are fucking cold, I swear to god”, he gritted between his teeth.

“Shut up, they will warm up eventually” Jason murmured and laughed a little. “Besides, you're the one with the fucking foot-fetish, so don't complain.”

“You like being fingered and fucked as well, don't you? But not with something cold, you motherfucker”

Jason laughed and grabbed Matt's hands, pulling one of them on his foot on Matt's cock, the other to the foot on Matt's thigh. “Then warm them up, babe”.

Jason briefly closed his eyes as Matt began caressing them, his fingertips running over the sensitive skin, making goosebumps rise on his skin. He had to admit, it felt really good. As if Matt knew exactly what he needed to do.

“That's not your first time, is it?”

Matt only chuckled lightly, as if Jason had made a joke that only he would understand, and kept rubbing circles into the skin. Jason had been touched many times before, and on many parts of his body before, but nothing had ever felt like this. So good, so sensitive. So intimate. Maybe he could understand now what Matt liked about it.

“Okay I think they're warm enough, Mattie... you can lean back now” Jason whispered, suddenly so sure of himself and so motivated to give him the best foot job he ever received.

The way Matt lay back encouraged him even more, he crossed his arms behind his head and the grin on his face was so smug.

“I'm going to enjoy every fucking second of this”, he muttered under his breath.

“Well, happy birthday then”, Jason breathed and he started to slowly caress Matt's cock with his foot, exactly observing how Matt reacted.

Matt intently watched Jason's movements, pure lust was written over his face, so Jason was probably doing something right. In a bold move he added his second foot, Matt's cock now between them.

And it felt... odd. But not bad. Not bad at all. The skin on his feet felt very different than the skin on his hands, so he didn't really know which movements or what pressure would be right, but how Matt responded made it very obvious. He kinda liked it all.

He liked it when Jason would hover over his cock, only pressing ever so softly, ghosting over the cock with the tip of his toes. He liked it when he pressed a little harder, sliding his feet up and down the length of his cock.

But most of all he liked it when Jason leaned forward and sucked the tip of his cock inside of his mouth while holding it with his feet.

At that, Matt let out the first strangled moan, and Jason knew how quiet Matt usually was.

And god, how he loved that sound. If possible Jason would never want to hear anything else than Matt's moans. It made Jason shiver and suddenly he realized, that Matt wasn't the only one with an erection.

Jason was horny as fuck.

From giving Matt a foot job.

He had never thought that this was going to happen.

“You have no idea how fucking hot you are right now”, Matt moaned, hardly keeping his eyes open, grabbing a hand full of Jason's hair and pressing him even deeper down on his cock, making Jason moan. The position was uncomfortable as fuck, the stretch was hurting Jason's spine a bit, but it was worth it nonetheless.

Matt whimpered as Jason scraped his teeth over the tip, pressing his feet together a bit more and lightly digging his heels into Matt's balls.

He now no longer had his eyes open, they were pressed together, in lust and pleasure. Every single muscle of Matt showed Jason how horny he was right now.

“Babe... I really wanna cum on your feet...”

And god, Jason wanted that, too. Wanted nothing more in the world right now than that.

So he let go of Matt's cock to mutter the following words: “Oh god yeah Mattie... cover them in your hot cum.” He then shot Matt the sexiest look he could manage in this position, Matt opening his eyes in that exact moment.

“Fuck” he hissed and then he was cumming, all over Jason's feet, and a bit on his face as well. And Jason could almost cum from the feeling of Matt's hot sperm on his feet alone.

But he would never admit it out loud. He'd rather jump at Matt and beg him to fuck him right there and then.

But before he could do so, Matt had jumped up, pressed Jason into the mattress and then he was licking – actually licking – Jason's feet clean. He was licking away all of his own cum, the look on his face still horny as fuck, like he didn't have a release at all. It was the single most hottest thing Jason had ever seen in his life.

He then sucked on Jason's big toe, swirling his own cum around it and then Jason lost it. He let out a pathetic moan that sounded more like a whimper and came into his pants.

Untouched.

 

“Did you just...” Matt said and then let out a laugh.

“Shut the fuck up!”, Jason moaned and threw his arms up to hide his face, feeling embarrassed. The last time he had cum into his panties was when he was 10 and rubbed himself on the bed, not really knowing what was going to happen.

Matt still laughed as he crawled up the bed so he was face to face with Jason, and he was pressing kisses all over Jason's face laughingly – the places he could reach and the places that where hidden by his arms as well.

“You're fucking perfect”, he murmured – and that was the opposite of the words that Jason had expected. The embarrassment gave away to a very warm feeling that spread through him.

He lifted his arms a bit so he could look at Matt, who was smiling at him lovingly.

“Are you for real?”

“Yes, totally.”

“Shut up.”

And Matt did, by kissing him.

*

“So, now that you finally told me about your birthday”, Jason said while laying in Matt's embrace, still sounding a bit salty, but the smile on Matt's face couldn't be shaken, “What are you wishing for?”

“I think I have everything I want right in front of me...”, Matt lazily drawled, caressing along Jason's waist, down to his hip, to...

“Oh for a second I thought you're talking about me, but you're actually talking about my feet.”

Matt laughed while softly caressing Jason's feet with his fingertips, and Jason smiled at him lovingly.

“We should do this more often”, Matt grinned.

“Nah, I don't wanna spoil you too much”, Jason said but already was making up multiple scenarios where this little kink of Matt's would be so much fun to mess around with. Also, Jason made a mental note to buy a good lotion that would make his feet softer.

 

“In all seriousness, though, what do you want?”

Matt was already opening his mouth, so Jason added quickly: “And don't say you don't want anything, bitch, that's not an option or an answer I agree with.”

Matt let out a small laugh and then seemed to think about it. He was mindlessly drawing patterns across Jason's skin. Jason leaned into the touch, realizing how good it felt, even better now that they weren't fighting any more.

He hasn't felt like this with anyone in a long time … the last time was with Kurtis. It was the second time today he was thinking of him, the jealousy he had felt had reminded him so much of him. But the way Matt had treated him has been the complete opposite of Kurtis. Loving, Caring. As if they were...

“Okay, I know something. I want you to come to my DJ venue. It's on the last Saturday of September. I don't know if you're into that kind of stuff, but it would mean a lot.”

“Are you kidding me? I'd love to come! I didn't even know you're a DJ.”

Matt was smiling at Jason's enthusiastic response and pressed a small kiss on his lips. “Perfect. That's my present then, okay?”

“Sure, when I said you could wish for anything I actually meant it, I didn't know you were gonna choose something I have fun with as well, after the way I behaved all day...”

Jason couldn't stop himself from feeling guilty. Another feeling he usually didn't feel or just ignored. Matt made him feel the strangest things, truly.

“Yeah, you were kind of a bitch.”, Matt said honestly, making Jason scared that he was still mad at him. “But you're kind of my bitch, so I'll deal with it somehow.”

“Fucking sap!”, Jason laughed and slapped him on his bare chest, pulling him in for a kiss right after that.

“I'm so sorry”, Jason whispered into the kiss, onto Matt's lips, into Matt's mouth, too shy and humble to say it out loud, hoping the words would be swallowed by the depths of Matt's mouth, but that they would somehow imprint themselves on the insides of Matt, making him feel the guilt he was feeling, so he would believe him.

“It's okay.”

“Promise?” - “Promise.”

Jason smiled. The thought of earlier still stuck in his head. It felt as if they were a couple. Which they were not, obviously. But he felt it deep inside the pit of his stomach, how everything about Matt was intriguing, making him want to be his, or making him his, for that matter.

The whole “no strings attached” didn't fucking work if one of them caught feelings. And of course it had to be Jason.

“What's on your mind, boo?”, Matt asked, while he fondled behind Jason's ear.

Jason thought for a second. He wasn't sure what to say, he knew that Matt didn't have those kind of feelings, he wasn't even sure if Matt was able to have those kind of feelings. He didn't want to have this kind of talk, he didn't want to ruin their bubble, so he came up with the next best thing.  
Something that really was on his mind, and something he hadn't thought or talked about in ages, but it was like it needed to burst out right now.

“My ex.”

“What?”

“I'm thinking about my ex. The feelings I had the whole day reminded me so much of him.”

Matt was frowning, clearly confused to hear those words out of Jason's mouth. “You've never mentioned your ex. And I hope you weren't thinking of him while we were having sex... were you?” He added as an afterthought, laughing nervously, causing Jason to smile.

“Of course not, you idiot. I'm talking about the... the stuff I said and did earlier.”

“The jealousy or your control-freakish mannerisms?”

“Ugh. Don't say it out loud.”, Jason scoffed but as soon as he saw Matt's look he added a quiet “Please”.

“Okay, whatever, but... do you want to talk about it?”, Matt asked and looked so deeply inside Jason's eyes, that he could tell how genuine he was right now. He really wanted to know what was on Jason's mind and that alone could make his heart burst. He wasn't used to that; especially not from a 'fuck buddy'. The lines were blurry, all along...

But that's not what they were talking about right now.

“Yeah..”, he breathed, “I actually do. You know... I didn't talk about him in a long time. But the situation today when I thought you... didn't want to be... have our little arrangement anymore, I was reminded so much of the feelings and the... and how afraid I was to lose him at that point.”

Matt was nodding his head, signalizing him that he was listening, and he was still scratching him behind his ear, which he appreciated very much.

“You know, our relationship was very toxic and he was so manipulative. It's the only relationship I had that you can actually count as one, so maybe you understand why I don't do relationships any more. He had so much power over me... and always played those little mind games with me. I loved him, so very much, and it broke my heart when he left me.”

“What exactly did happen?”

“He cheated on me. Several times. But he always made sure that I wouldn't leave him. Instead he was telling me how much he loved me, and that he struggled with staying loyal because of his low self-esteem and trust-issues, while I was the one with the growing trust-issues because of him. He was just an ass, nothing of that what he said. But of course I believed all the lies he was telling me... I was much younger back then, I think it probably wouldn't happen again, but today it triggered that part of me, the... jealousy. The dependence. I hated that part of me so much, and today I was so afraid for it to come back.”

Matt was biting his lip, while staring at Jason. You could tell that he was feeling bad for Jason, maybe guilty as well. But that was not the reason why Jason was telling him the story.

“But now I know that that part of me is gone. I'm a different person than I was back then, I cope differently with anger and jealousy, and I mean I'm not perfect at it, but I'm making baby-steps, and that's something, right?”

A small smile lightened Matt's features as he answered: “Of course. And I'm so glad you're telling me this... I mean how could I know? And I think you handled it well, today.”

Jason returned the smile, feeling as if a heavy weight was lifted from him – which sounded cliche, but he could finally relate to that saying.

“And I'm glad you're not mad at me. It would suck if you be. I'm sorry. Still.”, Jason whispered, and pressed his face into Matt's shoulder immediately after that, still feeling ashamed and shy when it came to apologizing. But as he said, he was making a progress, even if they were just baby-steps.

Matt kissed the crown of Jason's head. It was a spot where he loved being kissed, but it happened only rarely. It was as if Matt knew exactly what to do, as if Matt knew exactly what Jason needed right now.

They slept like this, Jason's face buried in the crook of Matt's neck, their bodies wrapped around each other. He had never slept better in his life.

_We slip and slide as we fall in love  
And I just can't seem to get enough of.  
~ ~ ~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Pearl/Matt xx


	6. 3.1 Bang, Bang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They take drugs together in this chapter and it's going to be a wild ride, so strap yourselves in

_~ ~ ~  
Bang, Bang_

Effortless.

If Jason needed to describe Matt in only one word it would be this. Effortless.

The way he put his clothes together, looking fabulous no matter what he was wearing, as if it was random, thrown together.  
The way he did his hair, mussled up and looking so nerve-wreckingly good, Jason couldn't stop thinking about running his fingers trough it.  
The way Matt would speak lazily, with his fucking bedroom eyes, and dopey half-smile on his lips.

“Why the fuck are you always so sleepy”, Jason had asked him once.

“Because there hasn't passed a single day in 7 years where I haven't smoked a joint.”, Matt had said and shrugged, seemingly non-caring.

Jason had never met anyone with such an attitude, someone who seemed to not think at all, but was still so irresistible. Anyone that offered so much and cared so little. Anyone that seemed to make Jason's mind and heart race as fast as he did.

And he knew it should bother him. Jason was someone who worked his ass off, who wasn't effortless at all, quite the opposite probably. Usually he hated people that could do whatever they wanted and still succeed, he envied them probably, but he would never admit that.

But with Matt... Jason found himself not giving a single fuck. On the contrary, he found himself adoring it.

*  
The weeks had flown by, and it was Friday again. Jason was backstage at a fashion event when Matt called. He was already in his outfit, his heels were as high as the sky. He was wearing a beautiful pink dress, it was long and flowy, except for his waist, which was cinched for the gods.

He was smiling at the screen, not picking up though, because he was supposed to go on the runway in 5 minutes (and to end the show, obviously, because he was the most stunning of them all).

"Who are you smiling at?" Farrah, another model and friend, asked, she had observed him from her spot at the mirror.

"Nobody" Jason lied and put his phone on the table.

"Nobody's got you smiling pretty hard, then." Farrah grinned, and took the highlighter to make some final touches on her make-up. "Just tell me already who you're talking to."

"Okay fine, but only because you need to shut the hell up before the other girls will hear you."

Farrah giggled and looked at him expectantly.  
He hated that bitch (not really, but never mind).

"His name is Matt."

"Matt, huh? Does he have a pretty dick?"

"Well yeah, but it's not about that. Well at least not all the time"

Farrah giggled again and put away the brush. "Even a blind person can tell that you're in fucking love with that guy."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bitch please, Vi. You always have your phone on flight mode when you're working so you must expect something important. And your whole aura tells me that you had a pretty decent fuck the last days"

"Pretty decent is the understatement of the century" Jason muttered under his breath, eyeing the big clock on the wall.

Farrah giggled again and bashed her eyelashes at him. "Too bad he's gay. Too bad you're gay." And with that she stood up from her chair to walk to the stage, with a sexy swing on her hips. That fucking bitch.

 

Jason admired her.

"Violet, you're up in 2" a producer reminded him, and he responded with a small smile and made his way over to the stage, where Farrah was standing in front of him. Her blonde hair was shining in the darkness.

"Don't let him break your heart" she breathed and with that she was gone and swaying her hips on the runway for everyone else to see.

*  
Jason was vibrating with excitement, he loved having everyone's eyes on him, admiring, speechless. He was certain that was the reason he lived for. He drank too much champagne and danced with Farrah and the other girls, enjoying the night, but missing Matt horrendously at the same time.

*  
He finally got a few minutes for himself, so he took advantage of it and sneaked out of the building. Now he was standing on a street of New York in the cold autumn night. He took a deep breath, couldn't stop smiling, feeling so alive.

The fashion show had been awesome, everything about it had filled him with joy and courage and... something else. Motivation.  
The adrenaline rushed into his system and he didn't think twice as he pulled out his phone to call Matt. He didn't bother that it was already 3 in the morning. 

“Sup?”, Matt's sleepy voice answered at the end of the line.

Jason chuckled at that, imagining how cute Matt had to look right now. “Hey, it's me.”

“I figured”, Matt groaned, “Why the fuck are you calling me at 3am? It better be something important...”

He loved it how Matt tried to sound annoyed, but he could tell that he was anything but. Maybe he was even glad to hear Jason's voice.

“You could say that”, he noticed how ridiculously happy he sounded, “I need to tell you something. I'm planning on doing my own fashion collection.”

Speaking it out loud felt better than he thought it would. It was something Jason had planned, or rather dreamed of, since he was a little boy. He had tons of own drafts in his drawers at home, but he never gathered the courage to actually start designing and producing. But now, after tonight, it felt like all the stars aligned. He wanted to do it. He wanted to make this one dream come finally true.

Matt sounded a lot more awake this time when he answered: “Oh my god, how cool is that? I didn't know you wanted to be a designer.”

“Yeah, it's nothing I talk about often. I'm always too scared people will judge me or tell me I'm not good enough.”

“Sure, because I'm obviously the right guy to tell you that kind of stuff”, Matt laughed.

“I know you would never say something like that. It was just something I always felt self-conscious about... But I want to change that.”

“I'm happy for you”, Jason could hear the smile in Matt's voice, “You're going to be a great designer, Jason.”

“You think so?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

*

Friday went and Saturday came, and with that Matt's performance. They had settled on meeting in front of the club, because Matt had told him he would be too nervous beforehand to spend the day with him. Which sounded oddly cute and not at all like the Matt that Jason knew. (He didn't know that Matt had weaknesses as well.)

So he waited next to the line in front of the club, which seemed to be packed. No wonder, it was one of the most popular LGBT+ clubs in New York, and a lot of DJ's would play there tonight. Matt was late as usual, Jason noted, thinking of their first real meet-up, where Matt had been there before him. It had been the only time where he had been punctual. Jason smiled at that memory, and smiled even more at the thought of their telephone conversation last night.

His thoughts were interrupted as he noticed that someone was leaning against the wall next to him, and he laughed as he recognized that it was no one else than Matt.

“Oh my god”, he chuckled, rolled his eyes and pulled him into a hug, “You almost scared me there.”

Matt was wearing his signature half smile, the dopey kind that implied that he had smoked a few joints before he got here. “Hey there gorgeous”, he purred, “Are you ready for tonight?”

“You can bet on that”, Jason answered with a grin and let his eyes wander down from Matt's face. He was wearing something Jason had never seen on him before. It was a wide pink cloth made out of a silky material, with the word 'Pearl' written on it.

“Pearl?”, Jason found himself asking.

Matt let out a laugh. “Oh yeah, of course you don't know. It's my DJ name.”

It was a weird name choice, for sure, but somehow it fitted perfectly. And now his whole outfit made sense, it was shimmery and silky, like a pearl in a shell.

“I almost forgot that you're fucking gay”, Jason stated and caused Matt to laugh.

*

Inside the club the party was already on fire. Jason looked over the packed dance-floor, looking at the bodies bathing in sweat, the way they bent themselves, in almost ridiculous ways. Rubbing against each other. Throwing their arms in the air.

Then he looked at Matt, who had a nervous expression on his face. He leaned forward to shout into Matt's ear: “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, sure”, Matt answered equally loud, “I'm just so nervous. Normally weed helps, but I don't think it will this time. It's by far the biggest gig I've ever done.”

Jason nodded. He would be nervous as well, there seemed to be an endless amount of people here, and the lights were flashing like crazy. He was relieved that he didn't need to do anything and glad that Matt had asked him for company.

Matt sighed and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I wish I had asked you beforehand”, he started, pulling out a small container. Jason looked at it, skeptic, trying to figure out what it was. “But what's your opinion on MDMA?”

Jason let out a surprised laugh. “Well... I've never taken it, so I don't know.”

“That's okay, of course! I'm just … I think I'll take some, just to make sure I don't get an anxiety attack on stage. It makes me happy ways weed cannot. That's okay for you, isn't it?”

He considered it for a second. Jason had never taken ecstasy, it's something he had just never thought about. But what Matt said made sense, and Brian had once told him that MDMA is great and that he definitely should try it if he had the opportunity. If Matt needed it to take off the edge, Jason wouldn't stop him.

“Sure, go ahead.”

Matt grinned at him and opened the container. Jason could see the small crystals in there. He realized that he didn't know exactly how to take MDMA, and watched Matt lick his pinky finger, dip it into the fine crystals, and lick them off of it. He grimaced, then looked at Jason.

“It doesn't taste good”, he explained, grinning at him.

“Why don't you take a pill?”, Jason asked, curiously.

“Because I still need to know what I'm doing. This way I can take a smaller dose and control how much I take, with pills you never know for sure. I just want to relax and still be able to play my DJ set.”

Jason started to think that everyone around them was probably on drugs as well. How else could they enjoy the techno beats? Why else would they dance so insanely? It didn't take long to make up his mind and to ask the next question.

“Can I have some?”

Matt had already put the container in his pocket again. Now he raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Are you sure?”

“Sure I never tried MDMA. And you should do everything at least once. So why not now?”

*

“I'm up next” Matt shouted into Jason's ear, his hot breath tickling down Jason's neck.

“Atta-girl, Pearl” he grinned as an answer, but didn't look away from the stage where some other DJ was performing.

“You feeling something yet?” he asked him with a low voice, right in front of his ear. Jason shrugged. He wasn't quite sure, he never took MDMA so he didn’t know what he should expect, what he was waiting for. “I don't know … I might be feeling.. something? Like I'm a little bit tipsy, but not really.”

Matt grinned and his pupils were really dilated, you could tell that he was feeling it.  
“Maybe you should take some more, just to make sure. I mean it definitely takes its time to hit in, but I think the high would be better if you took some more.”

Jason considered it. He was a bit anxious that it might hit him too hard if he would take more and that he would be totally spaced out, embarrassing himself.

But on the other hand, he really, really wanted to try it. He was already feeling a little bit disappointed that it hadn't kicked in yet, so a bit more wouldn't do harm, would it?  
Also, it wasn't Jason's style to half-ass something. All or nothing, he never ever was second best.

“Sure, why not” he concluded and shrugged again. Matt's smile was worth it.

He grabbed into his pockets and was searching for the stuff. After a few seconds he pulled out the little container from earlier, his face lighting up with the most adorkable smile ever.

“There it is”, he opened it and looked at the content, obviously thinking about something. “You want me to give it to you?”

Weirdly enough, Jason found that thought was such a fucking turn-on that he immediately nodded. “That way I can give you enough” Matt smirked and winked, because he knew how dirty he sounded and how dirty the gesture was.

Jason watched him lick his pinkie and dip it in the container, covering his finger with the fine dust.

“Open up, good boy”, his voice was hoarse, the look in his eyes devilish and Jason couldn't help himself, he obeyed.

Slowly Jason took Matt's finger in his mouth, holding eye contact and observing those dilated pupils. He sucked, swirled his tongue around it, licking every single bit.

“Mmmh”, Matt let out, “Fucckkk.”

Jason let go with a pop, smirking and finding himself not caring about the awful taste that much. “We should have done that earlier as well”, Jason purred and huddled closer, wrapping both of his arms around Matt, swaying a bit to the music.

“You definitely have a magical mouth... But soon everything else will be magical as well” Matt whispered and kissed his neck, making Jason shiver in anticipation.

“But I really need to go up there.”

*

Matt was playing, while Jason was dancing in the crowd. The minutes passed, he wasn't exactly sure, but he was definitely starting to feel something. It was as if he needed to dance, as soon as he stopped moving, it felt wrong. Suddenly Jason was hyper aware of everything going around him, he was listening to the music, feeling two melodies at once, feeling the beat under his skin, pumping through his veins, igniting him.

He could feel everything right now, the bitter taste on his tongue, how a blister formed underneath his heel, and how his jeans might be a thatch to tight. He was feeling all those things but found himself not caring at all, swaying to the beat, looking up at Matt's eyes.

Matt was watching him intently, only looking down a few times to turn the DJ buttons or whatever. Overwhelmed by happiness Jason twirled around, shaking his hips like there was no tomorrow, feeling like the whole world was watching him. But even if they did, his little dance show was for Matt and Matt alone. He could feel Matt's eyes burning into his skin, undressing him slowly. Jason didn't realize when exactly it happened but he found himself horny all of the sudden, his cock throbbing in his panties.

It didn't help, he realized, that the song was apparently about sex, if the lyrics “Bang Bang, All night” were anything to go by.

“Want you” Jason mouthed in Matt's direction, not too sure if he'd be able to see it or could even understand what Jason was trying to tell him.

*

“Oh my god Jason”, Matt drawled, grabbing him by his hips, “Were you actually trying to kill me up there?”

“No I wasn't”, Jason breathed into Matt's ear, getting as close as possible, “I want to do many things with you but killing isn't one. I need you, y'know”  
Then he pressed a little kiss behind Matt's ear, knowing damn well that it was his favorite spot to be kissed on.

When he pulled back he could see Matt's blissed out face, closed eyes, smiling. It was the most beautiful sight ever. How could someone be this pretty?

“How are you feeling, darling?”, Jason asked, remarking that he was smiling himself, like a maniac, not knowing when that happened.

“I'm feeling fan-fucking-tastic, I think I'm probably the happiest person on this god-damn planet right now!”

Jason let out a laugh, trying to cherish this moment, to never forget it. “Well that's not possible, hun, because that's already me”

“Oh believe me, there's nothing better to have people dance to your music, knowing you're gonna fuck the prettiest one of them later.”

“Oh really?”

“Totally” A mischievous twinkle in Matt's eyes, making Jason even hornier, if that was even possible.

“Fuck, I'm tripping so fucking hard right now” Matt murmured, pulling Jason into a hungry kiss, grinding up against him.  
Jason held on to him like he was his anchor, his savior, his everything and if he was being honest with himself, he probably was.

He couldn't remember when the last time was that he had been this happy.  
Probably never, a tiny, still sober part in his brain reminded him, because you're on drugs right now. Lost in his train of thoughts he didn't really concentrate on the kissing.

*

Jason couldn't stop laughing. Everything that Matt was doing on the dance-floor was just too hilarious.  
They were dancing to generic pop tunes, right now it was something by Bruno Mars, Pearl's “The Club Goes Pop” was stuck in Jason's head, playing over and over again.

Matt swayed his hips, grabbing Jason by his waist, a sloppy grin plastered on his face.

„You're made out of diamonds“, he whispered in his ear, „You deserve the world, Vi.“

Jason felt overwhelmed with emotion, it was as if his heart had a boner. Nobody had ever said something so beautiful to him.

„Are you being for real?“, he felt overwhelmed, but smiled nevertheless and wrapped his arms around Matt's neck. 

„Just telling the truth, babe“, Matt whispered and pulled Jason even closer, so Jason could literally feel every inch of Matt pressed against him. The people around them were singing loudly to the song, but he couldn't be bothered. They were pressing Jason in all the right angles and places against Matt and he felt so, so alive.

„Oh yeah?“, Jason laughed, „Say it again, then“   
He winked coquettishly and Matt laughed a raspy laugh, making Jason's heart flutter.

„24 karat magic – in front of me-“ Matt sang into his ear, a little off key, but it somehow still was beautiful as fuck.

Jason bent forward and kissed the spot behind Matt's ear that he loved so much and earned a desperate groan as response.

„Are you trying to kill me?“, he gritted trough his teeth but his smile told otherwise, „You know how fucking sensitive I am, bitch“

„You know I love when you sweet-talk to me... but I love it even more when you call me names.“

*

The excitement was real, Jason's mind was running fast, he couldn't catch a single thought let alone hold it longer than a few seconds. But one thing he was certain of: the amazing happiness he felt, the overwhelming love and affection that bubbled up when he looked at Matt.

“I think I might die from happiness!” Jason shouted, his fingertips gazing Matt's skin. He felt electrified, as if he was aware of everything that was going on right now, everything he felt and thought, everything that everyone else was doing or thinking, even Matt, or especially Matt – but at the same time everything felt so unreal. Somehow he knew that he could not possible know any of that. But everything just felt like it was meant to be.

Matt laughed at his statement, probably a little too much and a little too loud (it hadn't even been a funny joke, had it?), but it made Jason even happier – if that was possible.

“You're so ridiculous I swear to god” Matt's grin was so goofy and impossibly adorable, Jason needed to touch it. So he raised his fingers to Matt's face, softly trailing the outlines of Matt's lips. He was wondering why it was so hard to touch them, as if they were moving, until he realized that they actually were moving, because Matt was laughing again.

“Stop being so god-damn funny, or else I will die. Of laughter.”

Jason was confused but chimed in nonetheless. Midway he even forgot completely what had been so funny in the first place. But he didn't care that he probably seemed like a maniac – he felt incredible and that's all that counted in that moment.

Everything about Matt was wonderful and it was only now that Jason realized how much he admired every single bit of him.  
His hair, his eyes, his septum piercing, the little freckles on his nose, the light stubble on his chin, the sound of his laugh and even how damn perfect his teeth were.

He felt so overwhelmed and the only thing that could fix this was Matt – and he wanted all of him – so he pulled him in for heated kiss. Somewhere in his subconscious he realized that Britney Spears' “Gimme More” was playing and he grinned into the kiss because of how ironic it was.

After -how it felt- several hours had passed, they broke the kiss and he felt breathless and slightly horny. So he just scooted a bit closer and grinded against Matt to the beat of the music. It was still the same song, he noticed, so not much time had passed at all.

“Are you planning on giving me more tonight?”, Jason whispered into Matt's ear, giving his best sexy voice he could offer.

“I'm going to give you everything you want, babe.”

Jason grinned at that, pulling Matt in for another kiss. He didn't care who else would see them, it what was he needed right now. All of Matt.

“Jason?” a familiar voice rang in his ears, actually making him realize that Matt and him weren't alone. “What are the odds?”

He broke the kiss immediately, twirling around and – indeed. Of course it must be him. And of course he would recognize his voice after all this time. Jason started to feel weird, as if something tried to warn him, even though the MDMA was still going strong. So all he really felt was slightly surprised confusion.

“Kurtis”, he dumbly stated, because he didn't know what else to say. He could feel Matt's hands still on his waist, still feeling his presence, burning hot, making him uncomfortable. He didn't wanna explain anything to either of them.

“I see you're in company. And what a company it is” he spoke quietly, Jason literally could read every single words off of his lips. Kurtis hadn't changed, at all, and the look he was giving Matt was the same arrogant look down as it used to be. Jason tried to sneak away from Matt's touch as inconspicuously as possible. Without making it too obvious.

“Well whatever.” Kurtis said, but looked at Matt a bit longer than he needed to. Then he looked back at Jason, a small smile was softening his features. “You're still so pretty, Jason. I love your outfit.”

His gaze lingered on Jason's striped crop top, down to his high waist, ripped jeans, you could tell that he was practically undressing him with his eyes right there and then.

Jason could still say anything. It was as if he was mesmerized, too aware of both of their presences. Matt was growing impatient behind him, Jason could tell.

“Don't you wanna introduce us?”, he muttered into Jason's ear. But before he could answer himself, Kurtis let out a small laugh.

“Oh don't mind me, I leave you both to it. Enjoy it while it lasts, Jason isn't that easy to keep.”  
The last part had been unmistakably directed towards Matt but before Jason could react, Kurtis was gone, and all he left was Jason feeling so fucking dumb and confused. Fuck.

He turned around to look at Matt, who looked a bit confused.

“That was my ex”, Jason explained, but felt dumb doing so, because that had probably been pretty obvious.

Matt smiled and pulled Jason closer. “He seemed surprised to see us.”  
Obviously he didn't plan on talking more about it, because he started kissing Jason's neck, as if nothing had interrupted them.

Jason wished he could go on like that, but his feelings were shaken, he hadn't seen Kurtis since... well, since they had broken up. And the way he had looked at him... it had brought back so many memories. Memories Jason had forbidden himself to think about.

Overwhelmed was an underwhelming term of how he felt right now.

He still was tripping, but somehow he could think clearer than before. He noticed that Matt was probably far, far gone, the way he kissed and danced was far away from his normal behavior. It kind of annoyed him, he'd rather talk about what just happened than being grind on.

Jason let go of Matt and stepped back a bit, looking at him seriously, expecting.

“What?”, Matt asked, his voice sounded confused, his expression completely spaced out.

“I don't know. I feel stupid. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe the MDMA was a bad idea.”, Jason babbled, trying to get a grip, trying to stay normal, but it seemed  
so

hard

right now...

“Jason”, Matt's soothing voice was suddenly so clear, “Calm down, okay?”

He jumped up, realizing that they were suddenly in the bathroom, where it was much brighter and much more quiet than in the club.

“What the fuck?! What happened?”

“You kinda started to freak out so I brought you here to drink some water. Are you feeling better?”

The last minutes seemed to be completely erased from his memory. Which was so weird, he felt so weird, the meeting with Kurtis had been definitely too much for his drug-hazed brain. Matt seemed to be good, though, he had this odd smile plastered across his face, as if he didn't really know what was going on.

Jason gulped down the glass of water Matt was reaching him, starting to actually feel a bit better. Now he was more on the pleasant state of MDMA again.

He looked at Matt to thank him, but the words got stuck in his throat as soon as he saw the way Matt looked at him. The expression was so loving, it was almost frightening.

“I could swim in those doe-eyes of yours...”, Matt mumbled and reached out to caress Jason's cheek, playing with a loose strand of his hair that had freed itself from his top bun.

It made Jason's heart beat faster.

“I love you”, Matt let out and smiled at him, obviously not getting discouraged by the way Jason scrunched up his nose in disbelief. It didn't feel right, the I love you felt fake and hollow, he said it only because of the drugs, because they made them love everything around them.

It wasn't as if Matt actually loved Jason.

“You don't believe me”, Matt exclaimed aghast, “Do you? Jason, I love you so much...”

Jason wanted to shout 'Shut up' at him, he hated lying, he hated when someone said something to make him feel better, but most of all he hated himself for wishing that Matt was telling the truth.

But instead he said nothing, just looking at Matt in the same disbelieving matter Matt always looked at him when he acted some way he didn't understand.

It was their thing, not understanding each other.

They were only together because they enjoyed the selfish benefits they got out of it.

Orgasms, Fun, Somebody to admire them. It was like everyone needed somebody to admire, and somebody to be admired by.

But maybe, a small voice in his drug-induced brain whispered, maybe he really does love you, Jason.

“Prove it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... this was only the beginning ;)
> 
> I appreciate every Kudos and every comment!   
> Come yell at me at tumblr (@nebelkaetzchen) if you want to


	7. 3.2 All Night

Matt pressed Jason against the wall as soon as they got backstage. It was as if all the pent up sexual desire and tension broke through at that moment. Jason wrapped his legs around Matt, moaning into the heated kiss.

It had cost him all his self-control to not jump at Matt at any minute this night. He had been so damn sexy, well he always was, but it was like he couldn't hold it back.

Maybe it was the drugs, maybe the party, maybe the issue with Kurt, but deep down Jason knew, it was all because of Matt. Because he was driving him fucking insane.

"Fuck, you make me so fucking horny all the time", somebody moaned and it was only seconds later that Jason realized he was the one speaking. He hadn't even noticed until that moment that they weren't kissing anymore, but that Matt now was pressing kisses onto his jaw and onto his neck.

It was as if Matt was everywhere at the same time.

His hands were on Jason's ass, squeezing it just the right amount, pulling Jason as close as possible. His lips wandered from his jaw to his neck, to his collarbone, peppering kisses over every spot he could reach. His dick was pressing against Jason's through the fabric of their pants and it was fucking frustrating.

Because it was not enough. It never was.

 

Outside of the club "I'm in love with a stripper" was blasting through the speakers and Jason couldn't help himself but laugh. And it felt so fucking amazing, to laugh and to be touched and kissed at the same time, overstimulating, but like it was the one thing he needed to feel complete.

"You’re driving me insane", Matt groaned and bit down onto Jason's neck, causing him to yelp. The pain sent shivers down his back and arousal straight to his dick.

"You should make me yours", Jason breathed and he was so damn aroused that he couldn't care less about anything else, he just wanted Matt's cock inside him, like right now.

"Fucking hell" Matt hissed and bit down again, Jason could already feel the hickey blooming, but it was exactly what he needed right now. He needed it rough.

"You should get rid of your fucking clothes", Matt demanded and it thrilled Jason. They were backstage at some shabby club, they were both tripping, and Jason was about to get butt naked and (hopefully) fucked raw by Matt.

It was fucking everything, and Jason lived for it.

So he pressed Matt on one of those fluffy chairs, red velvet, as if it was an expensive strip club and Jason was the most expensive whore the club had to offer. He definitely felt like it while he was standing in front of Matt, between his legs, slowly starting to pull his own shirt up.

"You like what you're seeing?", Jason whispered, and it was just audible enough to hear above the beats outside their room, it was as if Jason could feel the music with every nerve of his body, but it was also somewhere in the background, almost non-existent.

Because Matt was the only thing that counted right now.

"I definitely do", Matt answered with a glazed look in his eyes, his pupils were so fucking blown that the blue in his eyes was almost gone.

"You're gonna see a lot more", Jason bent forward to whisper those words right into his ears, and then he pressed a kiss behind the Matt's, knowing damn-well that he loved it.

Then he pulled his shirt over his head, and threw it next to them, not caring where exactly it landed.

"I'm in love with a stripper", Matt grinned and his eyes seemed still cloudy, but there was something else in them.

Jason scoffed but let out a short laugh, because how the hell could he not be laughing at Matt's adorkable face and the overwhelming sensations he felt?

Matt grabbed Jason by his hips and pulled him a bit closer, letting his fingers sneak underneath the waistband of Jason's jeans. Jason could feel goosebumps rising where he was touching him.

"I'm gonna make you mine tonight", Matt growled quietly and it sent a shiver down Jason’s spine. 

Suddenly the whole scenario had something dangerous about it, Matt's fingernails were digging into the soft flesh of Jason's waist, burning his skin, making him hot and horny.

"Yea?", he breathed and watched Matt intently, his gaze full of hunger and desire.

Their lips were only inches apart.

"Absolutely", Matt said and it was like he had laid the word into Jason's mouth, because suddenly they were kissing. To be honest, it was more of a tongue fight than an actual kiss, their teeth clashed a few times, and Matt even bit down on his tongue once, but it was hot nevertheless. It was especially hot because of that. 

Jason was so horny, he couldn't think clearly.  
He could feel that Matt was unbuttoning his jeans and it tingled everywhere, especially in Jason's lower stomach and his crotch area. It was as if he was electrified.

The tension was unbearable and things were getting very heated between them as Matt finally pulled Jason's jeans down, discarding them to the floor as well.

Then he broke the kiss, looking at Jason with desire written all over his face. Jason felt oddly self-confident, considering he was almost naked and the other was still wearing all of his clothes.

But it was something in the way Matt looked at him. Maybe the 'I love you' back in the club hasn't been a lie after all... The thought alone sent more shivers down Jason's spine, and he decided to not think too hard about it.

It was easy to not think about it, because suddenly Jason felt Matt's hand slide into his black lace panties, grabbing his ass, squeezing it harshly. Jason let out a moan and closed his eyes, the sensations so overwhelming.

He felt a finger pressing against his hole, and it worked him up even more. It was as if he needed to feel Matt inside him, it was the only thing that seemed to count right now.

Matt's finger was softly circling his hole, making Jason let out the most strangled whimpers.  
Jason was certain that Matt was enjoying the view, making Jason a hot whimpering mess was his favorite thing to do, and the sight of his lace panties, too petite to cover up his hard dick.

"I'm going to make you mine", Matt repeated in a mere whisper, almost inaudible among the hammering music inside the club, "And I'm going to show you how much I meant my I love you."

With that he pushed a finger inside Jason, causing him to moan and throw his head back.

He was standing in front of Matt, his arms wrapped around his shoulders. Matt was still sitting on the velvet chair, using his free hand to hold on to Jason's waist for extra support.

"I love your nipples", he murmured, pushing his finger deeper inside Jason while mouthing at Jason's nipple, letting his tongue play with the piercing.

Jason enjoyed the different sensations, the MDMA making him feel everything so much more intense.

He moaned again when he felt a second finger against his entrance. He was so ready to take more.

Matt slowly pressed it inside, exactly the way Jason liked it. The stretch was almost non-existent though, Jason was used to more.  
As soon as two fingers were inside Jason, Matt started scissoring them lightly. Jason dug his fingernails deep into Matt's skin, a string of moans was leaving his mouth while Matt was opening him up.

"Such a good boy", Jason heard Matt purr, to which he couldn't help but smile lazily, interrupted by his own moans now and then.

"I love your smile", Matt continued pushing his fingers as deep as he could, over and over again, brushing over his prostate. Jason pinched his eyes close, his body was on fire, every nerve inside him was tingling and he just couldn't stop moaning.

Jason noticed the third finger only then when he suddenly felt so much fuller, so he figured that Matt must have added another one. It felt fucking amazing.

He couldn't remember a time where he had ever felt this pleasured, this fulfilled.  
"I love the way you move. As if you own everything, and I find myself wanting to give you everything…”, Matt whispered, “and more". His voice sounding so intense, that Jason needed to open his eyes, locking them with Matt's.

His blue eyes were wide and honest, he was looking at Jason's features with such a soft expression, as if he wasn't fingering the fuck out of Jason right now.

Jason starred back, focussing on Matt's eyes so hard that he was almost forgetting about the pleasure of his fingers. As soon as Matt noticed that, he changed the pace and the angle of his fingers, so Jason was a moaning breathless mess only moments after.

"Wait a second", Matt murmured, pushing himself up from the chair, pulling his fingers out of Jason who made as disappointed sound, but it turned into a moan as Matt accidentally touched his neglected cock as he stood up.

Jason didn't realize what Matt was doing, but he suddenly found himself lying on the velvet chair, Matt bend over him, taking off Jason's panties and pushing the three fingers right where they had been before. In the mere seconds he had already got used to having nothing inside him, so having three fingers at once pushed inside him made him almost scream – in pleasure.

"Oh fuck", he moaned, his voice sounding strangled and raspy, as if he couldn't take anymore. Truth was, that he clearly hadn't had enough.

Matt could probably read his mind because he was pressing a fourth finger inside Jason. They had gone this far once before, but four fingers of a big grown man’s hand were almost too much for Jason. But only almost.

It was his pinkie, and Jason felt how it slowly but somehow easily slid inside him. He was looking at Matt in awe, realizing how special he made him feel, how honored he was that Matt had chosen him to do all of the things to.

"I love the glimmer in your eyes when you look at me", Matt murmured directly in his ear, then bend up to look at Jason. He smiled and kissed him shortly, then continued to whisper, but this time in his other ear, "It's as if I am someone worth looking at."

Jason didn't really get what he meant by that, he wrinkled his nose and furrowed his brows, but Matt only let out a small laugh at his expression and kissed him again. Jason focussed on the kissing, the way Matt tasted, the way he moved his tongue – so familiar yet so exciting, because there was something exciting about knowing someone so well.

He felt Matt moving his fingers in and out of him, causing him to moan over and over again. Jason felt incredibly full.

"And most of all", Matt added, "I love you." 

Jason felt like crying, he was so overwhelmed by Matt's words, so overwhelmed by his soft as cotton voice, so overwhelmed by his -

"I can't believe it", Matt sounded baffled, but he was smirking confidently, "Babe, my fist is inside you."

At those words Jason instantly clenched, feeling the pain shoot through him. His eyes fluttered open but before he could start panicking he saw the worried expression on Matt’s face, his creased forehead, the softness of his eyes.

“Hey, don’t worry, I got you… You’re doing so well”, he murmured, pouring his words into Jason’s mouth and he breathed them in, as if he needed them, needed his approval, his praise. 

Jason needed everything Matt was ready to give, he realized, and having his fist inside him…. Made him feel impossibly full, on every level. 

“It’s just too fucking much”, Jason moaned, closing his eyes again, trying to adjust to the feeling. He wanted to. 

Matt pressed little kisses against Jason’s jaw while murmuring little words of praise and reassurance. He even asked if he should pull out, but Jason said no to that. He wanted him inside him.

It got better as the seconds went by, the stretch still painful but in a good way almost, the soft words coating Jason in something fluffy, something easy. 

“Fuck”, Jason breathed as soon as he thought he wouldn’t fall apart while doing so, “That feels fucking amazing.” 

And it did, it was the fullest Jason had ever felt and even though the stretch probably was literally too much, he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Matt let out a groan at that. “It looks fucking amazing as well.”

Jason peaked one eye open and saw that Matt looked down, where his wrist disappeared inside him. The view was almost overwhelming, so Jason closed his eyes again, but not without getting a glimpse of his own dick that was still rock hard, even though he had gone through so much pain. 

He truly was a masochist. 

But the sensations, the MDMA and Matt’s words made him feel so feather light, he couldn’t remember a time where he had felt this careless, this happy. 

It was as if he could finally see what’d been there the whole time, as if he could feel it with every fiber of his body - all the worries and doubts he had while being sober completely gone, just feeling and living the moment. 

Deeper… Deeper…

_all night  
~ ~ ~_


	8. 4.1 I'm Not Making Any Sense

_~ ~ ~  
Joke me something awful just like kisses  
On the necks of "best friends" _

Jason woke up feeling the worst and best he had ever felt at the same time. Which was truly a weird feeling. His body was sore from all the dancing, and from Matt's fist, his endorphins were all spent and left a superficial numbness behind, but deep down he was filled with a contentment he hadn't felt in a long time.

All because of the man lying next to him, he thought, while looking at Matt, a soft smile curling around his lips without him realizing it.

"Stop looking at me like that you fucking sap", Matt muttered sleepily with his eyes closed.

"What the fuck? Your eyes are closed!" Jason let out a surprised laugh, feeling a bit creeped out.

Matt opened one of his eyes and grinned at him. "I just had the feeling you would. And I was right!"

"Stop being so full of yourself..." Jason chuckled and threw an arm around Matt's frame, snuggling closer, enjoying the sleepiness of both of them.

"Hmm, speak for yourself..."

He pulled Jason in for a kiss, not minding the morning breath at all.

After a few minutes of sensual, sleepy kisses and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears Matt looked more awake and spoke up.

"Yesterday was so awesome. Did you like it?"

"I really enjoyed watching you perform", Jason purred, "But I liked the part after that even more. I never thought I was such a slut for backstage rooms..."

Matt grinned, the devilish glimmer in his eyes hinted that he remembered yesterday night just as well as Jason did. He kissed Jason's nose and asked: "How did you like the MDMA?"

"It was truly an experience. But now I feel like I will never be able to move again."

"That's okay, you can stay here. I'll do all the moving for you."

Jason laughed and fake-slapped Matt.

"But for real" Matt said and his expression softened, a view Jason saw only rarely, "I really enjoyed yesterday night. Might even be one of the happiest nights in my life."

"That was because you were on drugs" Jason deadpanned.

Matt let out a short laugh, but his smile after that was so sickeningly sweet, Jason never wanted to see anything else. "That was not the reason, Jason."

"Oh yeah?", he breathed, so quietly Matt couldn't have possibly heard him. He felt like a girl with a stupid first crush, Matt impersonating everything he ever wanted, he could literally not believe his luck.  
"Yeah. It was because of you."

Jason shortly thought of Matt's ‘I love you’, his several ‘I love you's’, it literally had been a deceleration of love, asking himself if he should talk about it, but not feeling brave enough.

It was as if something was between them, unspoken feelings and transparent barriers, he wasn't sure how to break them, how to act like he wanted to when he was sober and the thought of rejection too terrifying.

"Fucking sap", Jason whispered instead and kissed Matt again. The kiss was sweet and loving, one of those kisses they only shared after an intimate fuck, the kisses they shared when one of them would wake up after a nightmare, or the ones right after they made up.

Jason loved everything rough but this was probably his favorite type of kiss. Especially when they stayed impossibly close after that so that Jason could count every single freckle on Matt's nose.

He wondered if Matt remembered what he said last night, but he was too afraid to bring it up, in case it was only said because of the MDMA, which to be fair, was not too unlikely, considering how the drug had made them both feel.

But he found himself wishing it was true, yes, almost pretending it to be, as Matt closed his eyes again, pulling him in for another kiss, this time a more passionate one.

Jason felt Matt's hard dick rub against his, causing him to let out a quiet moan. How could his body have any energy left, he asked himself briefly, after last night, but he didn't ask himself any further as Matt started kissing down his jawline and started sucking on Jason's neck.  
Soon the innocent kissing turned into not so innocent making out, and the not so innocent making out led into them breathlessly grinding against each other.

When Matt fucked Jason for the first time this morning there was almost no pressure, and when Matt wrapped his long fingers around Jason's neck all he could think of was how they had all been inside Jason last night.

They didn't only fuck once, it was like the sexual tension just wouldn't leave the room. It was only in the evening when they stopped, both high and dry from all the fucking, Jason's dick empty, but his heart full.

They had fucked in various positions, and melted into each others eyes, but no one dared to repeat the spoken words from last night.  
But Jason had wished for Matt to say it all day.

*

They were sitting on Matt's messy bed, both freshly out of the shower (where they had made out and tried to suck each other off once again). Matt was on his phone, looking for a delivery service for something to eat. He had said that he was going to treat Jason with his favorite.

"Fucking hell..." Matt muttered, "We're in fucking New York and there's not a single place where you can order french food on a Sunday night. Well there are some places, but none of them deliver macarons, so what are they worth anyway."

They had stayed in bed the whole day, and besides the fucking they had talked about the events last night, even about Kurtis. It truly had been a lazy Sunday and Jason had enjoyed it to the fullest.

Tomorrow they both needed to go out and work in the real world, but not today.  
Today they were allowed to just be alone together, doing nothing at all.

 

But both of their stomachs growled and it wasn't easy to enjoy life if you were starving to death. They wanted to order something, so they wouldn't have to get up (and most importantly wouldn't have to put on some decent clothes; Jason was only wearing Matt's boxer-shorts and Matt, well ... nothing.)

Jason was watching the TV where Casablanca was playing, one of his favorite movies of all time, while playing with his his still wet hair.  
"Order something else then" he stated while he watched Humphrey Bogart drinking his whiskey, talking about Ingrid Bergmann. 

"That's one of my favorite scenes!" Jason said and laid his head on Matt's shoulder, who was still on his phone, but looked up after he said that.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world... she walks into mine", Jason quoted admiringly, "What a beautiful line."

"And so relatable as well..." Matt whispered, pressed a kiss into Jason's hair, "Of all the gigs of terrible rockbands... you walked into mine."

Jason only smiled, but in that exact moment he noticed how much in love he was with Matt. A man who quoted Casablanca was a keeper. Definitely. He knew that he had a huge crush on Matt. But he could no longer lie about the fact that he was, in fact, deeply in love with the other man. How and when did that happen?

"You know what", Matt stated suddenly, "You're going to get your macarons and fish soup. I'm going to pick it up."

He stood up and started putting on clothes, Jason looked at him in confusion.

"The fuck? You don't need to, babe, just order something else."

"No, you want a French dish, so I'll get you one. I said I'll do all the moving today", he grinned.

"But I didn't want to use you as my slave! Well, at least not literally... slavery in bed is something else..." Jason trailed of, thinking about the various times they had fucked today and how satisfied he felt.

"You're not using me. I want to bring my beautiful..." Matt scratched at his head, like he always did when he felt awkward, "Never mind, just be thankful."

He put on his shoes, Jason was still watching him and thinking about what Matt almost said. But he didn't know how to bring it up without it being awkward.

"You need something while I'm gone?"

"Hmm... gonna miss you terribly", Jason whined and made grabby hands at Matt.

"I'll be back in a minute" Matt said and pressed a soft kiss to Jason's lips.

*

The second Matt was gone, Jason indeed missed him terribly. He tried to focus on the movie, knowing well that Matt would be here again soon. But it wasn't the same without him. The movie was boring, the bed too big and empty. Jason felt pathetic, but he couldn't care less right now.

He decided to send Matt a pouting selfie of him, huddled into the blankets, and got an immediate reply "u r so qt!!"  
Jason smiled to himself and decided to scroll through Instagram, he hadn't in two days because he had been so busy. Now it was a good opportunity to distract him and to make the time pass quicker.

He was thinking about posting a picture of himself from last night, when he stumbled across a post from Liaisons Instagram page. It was obviously posted by Danny, because it was a selfie of him, where his hair was even messier than usual and he looked tired as hell.

The caption was full of typos as well, which was another indication that it was posted by Danny.

_Been werking all nite (while others were partying all nite) on our new soundcloud page – and its online rite now!! So go and check it out plz, u'll even get a hug at the next gig xxx_

And then there was a link which Jason immediately clicked on. Matt hadn't told him about their Soundcloud page, and it was kind of exciting, because how often did Jason know somebody who had their own music online? Not that often.

Their profile picture was their simple, pastel blue logo. The banner was more interesting. It was a picture of all of them, Matt, Danny, Brian and Sang. They were sitting on a couch, probably backstage at a gig, because Brian was holding his guitar, and Matt his drumsticks, and they were all laughing.

Jason smiled to himself, because he could only imagine that Danny had said something stupid, or maybe Brian and Sang had a staged fight, and Brian had made some sassy comeback. He realized how much all of them had grown to him, even though Jason usually tended to avoid people if it wasn't for work.

 

He scrolled a bit further down to look at their songs and recognized some of them. Some of them he had heard at their gigs, some of them he had seen Matt scribble down the lyrics to.

But one song title in particular caught his attention. It was featured as "brand new" and was called Summer Song and the description next to it read: written by Matthew Lent.

Jason couldn't help but grow curious. It was written by Matt and it was obviously a new song. It made Jason wonder if the song had anything to do with him... The title sounded happy and besides, it was online for everyone on Soundcloud, so how intimate could it be?

How the hell could he not click on it?

So he clicked on it and froze for a few seconds. He listened to the guitar sounds, goosebumps rising on his skin. Then Danny's voice started to sing:

_Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends_  


_we're the kids who feel like dead ends_  


_and I want to be known for my hits not just my misses_  


_i took a shot and didn't even come close_  


_at trust and love and hope_  


_and the poets are just kids who didn't make it_  


_and never had it at all_  


_And the record wont stop skipping_  


_and the lies just wont stop slipping_  


_And besides my reputation's on the line_  


_We can fake it for the airwaves_  


_We can fake it ..._  


_Force our smiles baby, half-dead,_  


_from comparing myself to everyone else_

The lyrics were beautiful and sad at the same time. It was as if while listening to the song, Jason was seeing an other side of Matt, a side he hadn't seen before. The words sung by Danny sounded so broken, Jason wondered briefly if the lyrics were real.

It made Jason want to know every single thought of Matt, every single side of him. The song made him human, and impossibly more attractive to Jason at the same time.

Which was nice and exciting at first, but also dangerous.

Jason could always save himself from falling for somebody when he told himself why he shouldn't, and in Matt's case it was because he was a fuckboy who was looking for fun, someone who didn't think twice about something before doing it.

But the song proved that Matt had a different side, a soft spot, probably the one behind his ear he liked being kissed on. And it made Jason weak. It made him want to cuddle up against Matt and whisper sweet nothings into his ear and that everything would be okay.

But truth be spoken: nothing would ever be okay. Problems couldn't be solved on their own, and Jason was thinking that them being together would cause even more trouble.  
Matt seemed to have issues Jason didn't know about, and it wasn't like he could just go and fix them, especially not if Matt didn't even talk about them.

He gulped while listening to the song a second time. A second time, a third time, a fourth time. He couldn't help but notice how worked up he got, he was thinking about Matt's problems and Matt's past, but most of all he was thinking of Matt's future he so badly wanted to be a part of.

Jason wanted to make sure that Matt never was going to get hurt again. But deep down inside he knew that he would hurt him, and if not, that Matt most definitely would hurt Jason, and that would suck as well.

_Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense_  


_Blame everyone but me for this mess_   


_And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart_   


_We never seemed so far_   


_I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough_   


_But we never had it at all_

If the lyrics were anything to go by, Matt knew that himself.

 

The sound of keys in the hallway made him jump and he heard Matt and Danny talking quietly. Jason used the time to wipe away his tears and sit up, he closed the Soundcloud app and tried to focus on the TV. Casablanca was still playing.

_Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends_

It was as if this verse had burned itself into Jason's mind. He would lie if he said it didn't hurt. Everything about the song hurt. It was like he didn't even know who Matt was, even though he really wanted to find out.

The door of Matt's room opened and he stepped inside, smiling at Jason who was cuddled up in the blankets, looking probably the same as Matt had left, but feeling like a completely different person.

"Hey babe, time for dinner", Matt smiled and held up a paper bag which probably contained the food. Jason offered him a weak smile in return, but didn't know how to react otherwise.

Matt sat down beside him and started to pull out the containers with food, opening them all and stating how delicious everything looked. At last he pulled out a cute box with pastel macarons inside. Matt smiled at the box and said something about how pretty the packaging was, then he looked up at Jason while holding it at Jason, expecting him to take it.

Jason felt numb and not hungry at all.

"What's wrong?", Matt asked and looked at him and the smile turned into a concerned expression, "You're not feeling well?"

"I don't know", Jason huffed and shuffled closer to Matt, enjoying the warmth he was radiating.

"Maybe it's because of the MDMA. It's normal to feel down after you take it, and well, you've been pretty... happy all day. It's totally normal if you feel exhausted."

"Yeah, maybe." Jason mumbled and looked at the food. He had been so hungry to eat it, and now it was as if his stomach was already full. Full of worries and troubled thoughts. He noticed Matt's sad smile and the next thing he realized was that Matt had pulled him into a comforting hug.

“You know that you can talk to me about everything, right?”, Matt whispered right next to his ear and Jason could feel tears building in his eyes. He felt like he should be the one saying this. “Is Kurtis still bothering you?”

“No... That's not what I'm thinking about”, Jason said.

“You want something to eat? We can talk during or whenever you want, really. I can even give you a foot massage after, if your feet hurt after dancing all night long.”

Jason let out a half-hearted laugh and slapped Matt lightly, who let go off him with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “As if that is a selfless gesture, you perv.”

They exchanged warm smiles and then Matt handed Jason two food-containers. “I know you want the macarons first, but first you need to eat something proper.”

Jason let out a small laugh and asked himself when their relationship started to become like this … - so caring, so warm, so fucking domestic. It definitely was something both of them had said should never happen and yet they were both here and … were enjoying it.  
They ate in silence, Matt sometimes making comments about the movie that was playing now. Casablanca had ended a while ago and instead some stupid action thriller was on. Jason couldn't get the lyrics out of his head.

I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough.

“You want to try mine?”, Matt asked Jason and at the exact same time Jason stated: “I listened to your song.”

The other man looked confused. “What?”

“I listened to your song.”, Jason repeated.

Matt frowned. “Which one?”

“Summer song. I mean... I didn't meant to stalk or anything, but Danny posted your Soundcloud page on Instagram and I … well, I was curious.”

“Oh well. It's not like it's secret or anything.”

“It isn't? It sure seems like a secret considering you never tell me anything that's on your mind, and it seems to be a lot.” He didn't want to sound so aggressive, so stand-offish, but he was hurt, and he didn't know how to cope with that.

Matt reacted the same way he always reacted when Jason would act like this: passive-aggressive.

“It's not like you asked about it either, so why do you care.”

Jason took a deep breath, he didn't want the conversation to escalate. Their day had been so wonderful, he didn't want to ruin it. He just wanted to know more about Matt, and maybe, just maybe, he should bring it across as that and not hide his feelings under a wall of pent-up aggression and bitchiness to protect himself.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... whatever.” He looked at Matt's face, looking for any signs he got the excuse, because he still was so shit at them.

“To be honest... I was surprised by the lyrics. I didn't... I wouldn't have guessed that they were written by you if it wouldn't have said it next to the song.”

“Why? Because they were so well written?”, Matt mocked.

“No, stupid, I know you write beautifullyl. I've heard multiple songs written by you, you know how much I love your writing. I just never... heard you write about something so deep. Write something that makes you so vulnerable, seemingly so broken... It's almost poetry. I adored it.”

He nodded slowly, his blue eyes unreadable. “It was a poem. Sort of. I wrote them a lot a few years ago. I recently started again and Danny found this and wanted to make a song out of it. It was never meant to be one, maybe that's the reason why it sounds so odd.”  
“It doesn't sound odd at all, it's just so heavily intimate and private... It almost gave me the feeling that you.. that you'd tell all of your listeners more about yourself than you would tell me.” Jason gulped, feeling tears in his eyes again, and felt so utterly ridiculous.

Matt's expression softened, and he reached out to stroke over Jason's cheek. “That's not true.”

“Doesn't change how I feel about it though. I don't even know what you were talking about in that song. I can only assume it. I wish I just could shake it off, but truth is I want to know it, I want to know every detail about you, and that's what makes it worse...”

They both were silent for a bit, Jason too ashamed to talk any further, Matt obviously thinking about what he had said. Jason wished that he would just say something, anything.

“I never thought I'd need to say it out loud, but my past wasn't perfect. Obviously. You think I'd be this fucked up if I had the perfect childhood?”, he answered eventually, vaguely gesticulating over to his bong and messy room, as if that would explain everything.  
“Yeah of course.. I never thought so either... but I never thought it was particularly bad either you know? The lyrics sounded so sad... so... depressed almost.”

Matt only raised his eyebrows at that.

“You are?”, Jason asked, his voice only a mere whisper, so afraid of the answer.

“Not anymore”, Matt answered with a sigh, looking down at his hands, which were scrunching at the paper towel he had used to wipe his mouth beforehand, “But I'd lie if I said I never have been before.”

Jason smiled a small, sad smile, not really knowing what to say to that. “Well, I'm glad you're better now.”

“Yes, I'm not perfectly okay all the time... but that's why I write poetry, that's why I write songs.. to keep reminding myself that it's okay not to be okay sometimes. And maybe someday I'll look back and realize that I haven't been depressed in a long time, and that everything turned out to be the life I always wanted... that's the goal at least.”

He finally looked up, into Jason's eyes, and the look on his face was so pure and adorable, Jason couldn't help himself but smile. “I'm sure it will be exactly as you wish it'll be. If you go for the things you want, at least.”

Jason reached out to take Matt's hand in his, a very intimate gesture, and as soon as they intertwined their fingers he realized that they actually never held hands before, in a non-sexual way that was. He tried to suppress the flutter in his stomach that came with that.

“Can I ask you something?”, Jason asked to cover up his awkwardness.

“What is it?”

“Do you... want me to tell something about yourself? Maybe something... that you rarely tell anybody?”

Jason knew the song was about him as well and not only about Matt and that they probably should talk about it.  
But not now, at least. Now he wanted to get to know the man he was in love with.

So Matt started talking. He told Jason about his family, about his parents who got divorced when he was a child and let out all their anger on him, how they gave him the fault, because he was such a “messed up child”. About his anxiety disorder, which no one ever pointed out or treated right, which had always been an issue for his parents or in school, or sports, but no one could tell him what it was, they would always call him coward. How his dreams of being a musician would always be crushed, because he was either talent-less, a waste of space, or just “lazy and should get a real job for once in his life”. He said how much he had hated his parents, how he wished they were dead, and after he realized that it was somehow bad to think that way, he started wishing he was dead instead.

It was not until he met a guy in high school that he got better, but only superficially. He and that guy had a weird friends with benefits thing going on, which Matt totally misinterpreted as the younger one and only got hurt. They would take drugs together, but it often times didn't end well.

“So I just stuck to weed and some uppers ever since. Psychedelics make me go insane.”

Matt was telling him how much he had felt like a failure, for years of his life, and only recently started to feel like he might actually have a chance in doing what he loved. Jason listened the entire time, knowing that if someone would come inside would see the admiring expression on his face while he was looking at Matt.

He wasn't a fuck boy, after all. He was just a fucked up human being.

A lovely and broken one, that Jason desperately wanted to fix.

Jason fell asleep in Matt's arms that night, to the sounds of the rain against the window and the familiar voices of Roy and Danny fighting in the next room. He had become somewhat used to it, almost as if this was supposed to be, as if this was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to hug each one of you for sticking around 'til now. It means so much to me.
> 
> I'm so proud of this story, and especially this chapter is so important to me, because in my head it was the starting point of this fanfiction. It was the first scene I had planned, everything around it just somehow developed into this massive thing, this story line, this universe, these characters, that I love so much.
> 
> So thank y'all for reading it, as i said, I appreciate it very much. 
> 
> xx


	9. 4.2 Best Kept Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this is so late. I had so much to do, i had some love drama myself and some other projects from uni that needed my full attention. The more time passed the more I forgot about this project, even though it's deeply in my heart. I hope you enjoy the chapter! The next one probably won't be up in a week, but you won't have to wait that long again, i promise. Thanks for sticking around, it means a lot x

A few days later Jason got a text from Matt, telling him about a concert next Friday.

“U should come x” and a screenshot of the Facebook event.

Jason didn't know what to think or feel after their MDMA experience and their talk the next day. He couldn't ignore the obvious butterflies that have come with the invitation.

Something in him tried to warn him, tell him that it was probably best not to go there, stay away from Matt and all the feelings that came along with him.

But he was young, dumb and in love. So he chose to ignore that warning.

*

The days went by and Friday came and Jason found himself yet again in a sticky, crammed club.  
This time he was alone, Brian had somewhere else to be, he'd said something about his cousin from Russia visiting. And the other people he'd love to go with were backstage, obviously.

So he was standing there, in his green faux-fur coat and was waiting for the gig to start.

He was feeling more nervous than usual, the unspoken feelings buzzing inside him.

Jason didn't know what he should do about it, he never had been good with feelings, not since Kurtis had left, but he thought that he might die if he'd keep them to himself.

He wanted to tell Matt. Even though after hours and days of considering it.

After the concert he would, no matter what. Nothing could stop him, not even the fear of rejection. Because the small spark of hope that Matt might like him back weighed so much more. If the Summer Song was anything to go by. Jason was sure that they could work through their problems, together, if they could just swallow their pride for once.

'Liked him back' – God, he sounded like a child. He kind of felt like one too, insecure and nervous, even though he should feel like a fucking queen in this outfit.

But sometimes not even fashion could give him the self-esteem boost he needed.

The lights turned off, signalizing the crowd that the band was coming up. As soon as the familiar drum beats set in, Jason raised his neck, just in time to spot Matt as the lights on the stage turned on again.

“Come through!” he shouted and could have sworn that Matt had smirked directly at him, as if he knew where he was standing, giving him the groupie-feelings all over again.

Then the rest of the gang stepped outside and Danny began to sing, beautifully hitting the notes as always.

The concert flew by in a blur of colors and lights, drum beats and guitar riffs, and Matt of course. If Jason had been unsure to reveal his feelings before the concert, he definitely was sure that he wanted to now.

He just loved looking at him, but never got enough. He loved it when their looks would meet and Matt would raise his eyebrows ever so slightly. He loved the feeling of being and having something special in a crowd of nameless people. And most of all, he was sure he never wanted to miss that feeling.

“You've been amazing tonight!”, Danny shouted in his microphone, collecting shouts from the crowd. “Are you guys ready for our last song?!”

He was radiating so much energy, even after one hour of high-level-performance, as if he was truly getting his life out of it.

It surely was mesmerizing, but Jason couldn't help but look at Matt again, who was grinning at Danny while wiping sweat from his glistening forehead.

“It's a new song and truly something special, so I hope y'all enjoy it. It was written by our drummer Matthew.”

Jason smiled, expecting them to play Summer Song.

“Take it away, boo!”

So Matt hit powerful at the drums and a few seconds later everyone else was setting in.

But Jason didn't recognize the soft melody of Summer Song, it definitely was another song.

_Drink down your gin and kerosene_  
Come spit on bridges with me  
Just to keep us warm  
Light a match to leave me be 

Danny started singing and Jason's heart was beating so fast it might as well explode.

A new song?

_Keep quiet_  
Nothing comes as easy as you  
Can i lay in your bed all day?  
I be your best kept secret  
and your biggest mistake  
The hand behind this pen relieves a failure everyday  
So wear me like a locket around your throat  
I weigh you down, i watch you choke  
you look so good in blue, you look so good in blue. 

 

Jason clenched his jaw while listening to the words Danny was singing. It made him sick how he was obviously singing words that were meant for Jason, without knowing how they made him feel, how much deeper they were than he was singing them.

He stared at Matt, but he didn't look back.

Nothing comes as easy as you.

Well, when Matt thought that, he could go and fuck himself from now on. And he could fuck Danny right after that because those two bitches were obviously making fun of him. He didn't know why exactly he deserved it but he wasn't exactly wondering why they were like that either.

Bitches be bitches.  
Fuckboys be fuckboys.  
Feelings be feelings.

His skin felt too tight, the people around him were too near, the music a tad too loud. He wished that he would never had get up and went to this stupid gig, of this stupid band, to this stupidly gorgeous man that he loved so much.

The man he loved so much who made their story into lyrics, making it seem like a twisted, toxic relationship. Wanting them to be a secret. Talking about being a mistake. Jason could see that now. He really could.

He never felt the urge die but right now in the moment he wish he would. He felt his ears burn in embarrassment as Danny was singing the choking part.

Jason thoughts were running, his head was spinning. He had hoped that they would perform Summer Song, but he had been so wrong. Hearing what Matt thought about them, feeling the words like tiny daggers, broke his heart. He had known better than not to fall in love, and yet here he was.

Fucked. Fucked over.

And hurt.

*

Jason was furious. He couldn't remember a time where he had felt this awful, this betrayed.  
But most of all, he felt fucking heart-broken. It was as if Matt had took everything that had meant something to him and thrown it into the trash.

It was as if everything had been some big joke, a play, to see how far Jason would go, how long it'd take him to fall in love.

It all has been a lie.

Jason felt sick, didn't realize the motions around him, it all went by in a rush. A rush that meant nothing to him, just like he meant nothing to Matt, apparently.

He wished that he could feel the same way about Matt as he did for the crowd, next to nothing, they were all just a bunch of nameless faces after all.

But Matt was not just a face, his stupid one meant the world to Jason. How the hell did this even happen? He had been so cautious, so wary not to fall in love... and yet...  
Something in him just wanted to leave, never see or think of Matt ever again.

But that would be the old Jason, the careful empty case of the new Jason he once was. But now he was different and he was ready to confront Matt.

So he gathered all his courage, took a deep breath and strut to the entry of the backstage area.

No one could tell him to stop, not even the fucking bouncer.

He smiled at him, probably a scary smile that told him not fuck with him. “Hi, I'm the boyfriend of Matt, the drummer”, he lied in a chirping tone. The word 'boyfriend' laid heavy on his tongue and felt so wrong, so fake.

The bouncer looked him up and down, obviously skeptic about what he just said.  
“Of course you are, sweetheart.”

Jason was so fucking over it. He was literally ready to physically fight that stupid bouncer, but before he could act up, Sang was appearing behind them.

“Oh hi Jason” he said with his heavy lisp, “It's okay, Derek, you can let him inside.”

Sang patted Derek on the shoulder, then Jason, and then continued his journey to the bar, probably to get drunk.

Jason threw a bitchy look at 'Derek', truly triumphant, and fiercely walked past him. He was a man with a mission after all.

It didn't take him long to find the other band members. They were crammed up in one of the tiny back rooms, instruments shattered all around the place, the mood was blissed out. Danny was cheering, and Matt was laughing at Brian, who was popping the champagne, right in the second when Jason stepped inside.

Matt noticed him immediately, his typical “Hey Babe”, already on his lips, wanting to pull him into a hug, but Jason bucked and stepped a bit away.

The look on Matt's face was confused, to say the least. It was his typical frown, when he noticed that Jason was upset, but he didn't understand why. Of course he didn't understand why, Jason thought grumpily, he had smelled the weed down the complete hallway.  
Even Danny and Brian seemed aware of the tension between them.

“What's wrong?”, Matt asked.

Jason couldn't care less that Danny and Brian both stopped in their actions to look at them, he couldn't care less that he was about to make the biggest scene he probably had ever made.

“You truly don't know, do you?”, Jason said, his voice surprisingly quiet, the silence before the storm.

Matt already rolled his eyes. Jason couldn't help but feel like the annoying boyfriend, that was always angry and destroyed the most precious moments.

But truth was that Jason wasn't the annoying boyfriend, and maybe, just maybe, that was the problem all along.

“I'm sure you're gonna tell me right away.”, Matt huffed, and looked at Jason, a bored expression on his face. That look on Matt's face made Jason even more angry, and to be honest, it made him even more heart-broken. There it was. The best sign, that Matt didn't care for him; at all.

Maybe he should just stop right there. He got the message, he just had left right away. But something inside him wouldn't let him go, not without speaking his mind.

“Oh, you can bet on that”, Jason said, putting his hands on his hips, trying to make himself as tall as possible. He knew that he was a bit taller than Matt, and he was going to make it count. He glanced at Danny and Brian, noticing that they both were still watching, but he wasn't going to ask for privacy. Everyone should hear what he was about to say.

“I can't believe you wrote that. I can't believe you threw everything we had away, with just one stupid song! And most of all, I can't believe that I fell for you, and your stupid little game, and you got me so far, that I almost confe... that I almost did something tonight, that I would have regretted so badly. I just can't believe it.”

Jason's voice had been loud and harsh the whole time, but on the last sentence it broke, leaving him sounding like a pathetic mess.

“The fuck you're talking about? It was just a song, I...”

“Oh, just a song, like I'm just someone you casually fuck, am I right?!”

Brian and Danny were exchanging looks, but Jason couldn't find himself to care. This had been the best kept secret for long enough, it's time that it's only a mistake.

“How can you always make everything about yourself?!”, Matt shouted, his weed hazy gaze a lot clearer now, “Danny never said with one word that I wrote it about you, you should stop being so god-damn full of yourself...”

“So it isn't about me then?”

“Well yes, but...”

“See!”, Jason shouted, groaned, and almost left then and there immediately. But he still had some unfinished business, some final words, famous and last.

“But you got it all twisted. Let's go talk somewhere in private, for fucks sake...”, Matt tried to explain, but Jason wouldn't let him. He had it. Officially.

“I don't care for your god-damn excuses and lies, I think I had enough of them. I thought there was more between us then there was, but well, even the best ones make mistakes from time to time.”

Matt tried to interrupt him more than once, but Jason only talked over him.

“I'm done. Whatever there was.. or what I thought was between us is over. I'm so fucking sick of you Matthew.”

And with those words, he finally turned around and left, walking as fast as he could without running, leaving behind a wordless Danny, an amazed Brian II and Matt, who looked confused and slightly heartbroken.

He was a few blocks away from the club when he allowed himself to stop, taking a deep breath... only now realizing what he just did, what it all meant, and he felt the left-overs of his heart crushing into million more pieces.

 

*  
It was a habit Jason had decided to quit – a world he had left behind as he and Kurtis had broken up.

He had sworn to never look back.

But now it was all too much – the anger bubbling inside him, the pain that he felt in his chest area – he needed a rush, a good one, to distract him from tonight's shit-show.

He was pacing around his apartment, fighting internally with himself. Actually he should know better, he shouldn't do it, but it was as if he couldn't resist.

So he slid under the bed, not minding the dust (which would normally make him think twice about sliding underneath) that's how dedicated he was. Quickly he found what he had been looking for: a dusty metal box, his old cigarette case. It had been orange in the beginning of time, but it had definitely seen better times. The paint was peeling off on several places and it even had some dents in it.

He crawled out from under the bed, shortly dusted of his clothes (he probably looked like a maniac while sitting there) and then he opened it.

Jason let out a relieved breath as he indeed found what he had been looking for: his coke. More precisely; the leftovers of the last gram cocaine he had bought before he had decided to quit. It was almost two years ago, and it had been such a dark time in his life. It had only consisted of partying with an excessive amount of alcohol and coke, not eating and his toxic relationship with Kurtis. It was the side of the fashion industry and model life everyone had warned him about, and he had made sure ever since to not step a foot in there – ever again.

Fashion was about passion, not some sort of show-off, who could do more drugs, get more plastic surgeries or eat the least. He knew that now. But back then he had been a completely different person.

He had been an addict – at that time he had denied it, but looking back it was more than obvious. Him quitting cocaine had been one of the many reasons why he and Kurtis had split.  
Thinking about Kurtis and about the familiar expression on his face at the party last week made him realize, that Kurtis was probably still addicted. Still addicted to the coke, still addicted to plastic surgeries.  
If Jason hadn't been so drugged up himself, he would have noticed immediately that there was no way that Kurtis might been sober.

Jason scoffed, still looking at the bag. He had the niggling feeling that he was about to make a mistake.

But he carefully took the bag out of the box, nevertheless, softly scrunching it in his hand, contemplating whether he should do it or not. But now, now where he was this close doing it, it was impossible to stay strong and say no. For a former addict it was the same as if someone already had made a line, pressed Jason a straw in his hand and tell him to just go for it.

So he went for it.

The process of pouring the coke on a tray, carefully making a line, was far too familiar for Jason, as if it was still in his system, an addiction that would never let go of him completely, that would last forever.

Even though he had struggled until this point if he should really do it or not, he didn't think twice about it when he took the straw out of his cigarette box, bend over the tray, and sniffed it all in one go.

After that he let out a deep breath. He got a nagging feeling, that he made a mistake, but it didn't have much time to properly evolve, because the buzz of the coke was already starting to set in.

It immediately reminded Jason of why he had been so addicted to this stuff. He just felt awesome. Everything that had worried him before was suddenly so unimportant, forgotten. The nagging feeling was still there, but it was covered up with a lot of layers of happiness, lightness.

Jason again took a deep breath, just loving the way it felt. Breathing could be so awesome. It was beautiful to be alive, he thought.

He then stood up, suddenly not wanting to sit anymore. He felt like dancing, so he went to his old record player and swiftly decided on his JJ Cale Vinyl. The song “Cocaine” blasting through the speakers reminded him so much of his past. It had always spoke to him on a personal level, while Kurtis had always preferred high energy techno beats.

Jason closed his eyes and started dancing, his apartment wasn't that spacious, but it definitely was just right in that moment, he twirled around, just enjoying how the coke affected his mood and how it seemed to blur all his anger in all the right ways.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments x


End file.
